little noodle

the cleanse of all cleanses

2012-02-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

Speaking of a lifetime of experiences…I’ve had a whole different lifetime of experiences in this one-week. These past few days haven’t quite gone as I had imagined they would. I expected to come home from Africa feeling a renewed vigor and gratefulness for the life I had. I expected to come home and hit the ground running with whatever new found inspiration I had been struck with while in Africa. Instead...

I got home from Africa late Monday of last week. I was so sick on the flight home; I started getting sick on the flight from Paris to New York. All I could eat after getting home (to Mindy’s home) were a few crackers--day three of no food. I went straight to bed afterwards. On Tuesday, I hauled all of my things back to Provo and started to unpack. I still wasn’t feeling very well, but I attributed that to jet lag. Coming home is always so much worse than going. I made it to class, but I was sure exhausted.

On Wednesday is when everything really hit. I tried going about having a normal day. I went and visited Jenny—where we almost coaxed Claire into crawling. If I got to see her crawl for the first time that would be the happiest moment ever. I’ve never been a part of something like that. While I was at Jenny’s and I was trying to show her pictures, I knew that something was terribly wrong. I felt so distracted and I felt like I was getting worse by the moment. I felt terrible and I literally had to go to the bathroom every fifteen minutes. I had diarrhea in the worst way. I won’t go into details, but I just knew that there was something wrong and that there was no way that I could keep myself hydrated at the rate things were happening.

I had called my gastro doctor to make an appointment. I figured this must be some kind of tummy issue, so I better get in with him as soon as I can. Everyone seemed extremely cavalier as I explained that I felt something was very wrong and that I had just gotten home from Africa. Finally, when I called a second time to ask what I should do in the meantime, they referred me to my primary care doctor. The office of my gastro doctor suggested that I get labs taken (blood work). When I called my primary care doctor’s office, Amy, they also seemed extremely cavalier and didn’t really offer me any valid suggestions—in fact, they didn’t really act like they were taking me seriously at all. And at a time where I know that what I am experiencing could even be very dangerous, it doesn’t help me to feel like no one is taking me as seriously as the issue really is. Even if it's just that way to ME. Sometimes I think doctor's (and this can be applied to the general population) just forget that although they see medical emergencies on a daily basis, that doesn't mean the people coming in to see them are as familiar and therefore as calm handling these experiences.

Finally, they agree to call in an order for lab work. I go straight to the lab, and there they hadn’t received the order yet. There, I was met with unhelpful receptionists that just acted annoyed that I was there and that my presence required them to do more than their normal routine of checking the order and moving me along. Once they found out that one of my tests was for malaria, all of a sudden I received different treatment. She wasn’t overly nice, but she at least became a little more helpful.

After the lab drew my blood, I asked if there was anyone who could give me any advice. (I was told they don't give medical advice. At a hospital.)

I was at a complete loss of what to do or think. How I was feeling was completely out of any realm that I had ever been in before. I knew rationally that I probably wasn’t going to die within the next twenty-four hours. But I also knew that I wasn’t going to get any better and that I would most likely get worse before I got better. And I absolutely knew that I couldn’t handle the worse by myself. So after driving home and thinking, before even getting out of my car, I backed up and took myself to the American Fork Hospital. I hate Utah Valley's hospital.

Once in the ER, Jenny came and stayed with me for the first few hours. Then, Mindy’s mom came and stayed with me for the last leg--she has officially seen me at my very worst and lowest point. It wasn’t until 1am that I was finally admitted to the hospital. I was given anti-nausea medications that didn’t help. Then, I was given two different kinds of narcotics to help keep my stomach from contracting. Instead of helping, I spent the rest of the evening feeling significantly worse. It seemed like each bag of IV fluids that emptied into my veins were poison. Finally, I ended the evening by vomiting all over the bathroom floor. My socks included.

I was moved to room 150, where my nurse met me. My nurse just so happened to be Tawny, one of my only friends at American Fork High School. She is as tiny as ever, but she cut her long pretty hair all off—I got to know the back of her head pretty well since we sat in the same seats both junior and senior years of high school. Even smaller world, the PCT was a kid from my chemistry class—Zack. I don’t think I ever really talked to him in high school. We ran in completely different circles. I was shy and bitter and he was popular and played football. But he and Tawny both got to know me on a completely different level than any of us ever thought we would. Tawny was a great comfort to me, and even though Zack had to see things that I pray no one will ever have to see of me again, he was a champ too. Even though I had to wear diapers, I never felt judged by either one of them.

I barely slept Wednesday night because of how often I would go to the bathroom, throw up, or have an accident. One of the things I remember most vividly was how terribly thirsty I was. I wanted nothing more than to drink all of the water that I could, but everything just made me throw up. I couldn’t even chew on ice without throwing up. They brought me these little swabs of some kind that they typically give to pregnant women, so you can soak it and hold the moisture in your mouth hoping to trick your mouth into thinking that you’re not thirsty. It didn’t work very well, but it was better than nothing. I even slept with that thing in my mouth I was so desperate.

Also, my legs cramped any time I would move them or even think about moving them.

I have never been so sick and felt so helpless in all of my life. No theatrics or drama, those are just the facts. There is no way to describe the sickness that I felt—my heart kept going out to cancer patients whose immune system is completely destroyed and who have to get so much worse before they can even have a hope of getting better. In the moment of being at my lowest point, it feels like there is no way to escaped and hope is diminished. Logic doesn’t help you at this point. Rationale doesn’t help you at this point. All you know is that you feel the worst you have ever felt.

During this moments, I never asked, “Why me?!” That question is such a waste of time to ask. But I did wonder if I had done something wrong. I did wonder whether this was a message from God about something that I had done that was disappointing to Him--was it bad to go to Africa? Did Heavenly Father think I had the wrong motives and this is what I get? I wasn't sure what to make of everything. I never got mad at God for feeling so sick, either. But I did feel like He was farther away—which during a moment like that, all I wanted was for Him, or for anyone, to be close to me so that I knew I wasn’t alone. I don’t think anyone will really understand how sick I really was.

Tawny came in my room around 6am, and I asked her to call Jack for a blessing. She scratched my back as I laid in the shower throwing up. I hated that there were so many simple things that I couldn’t even do for myself—but at the same time I was so past caring. This kind of illness really is the most humbling experience that I could ever have in learning to accept and ask for help. Once she called Jack and I knew he was coming, I immediately felt comforted. I did not feel any different physically, but I felt comforted. And I don’t know how else to explain that.

Jack came and gave me a beautiful blessing. He stayed and talked with me for a little bit before, too. I like that I have people like Jack in my life—even though Jack and I don’t really hang out that much anymore, I still know that of anyone in the world that I can call, I can call him. And I am grateful for people like that.

I don't know how to explain it, but I could feel the strength from everyone's prayers. It was like little surges that I would get--of hope or energy or whatever. But I could feel everyone's fasting and prayers, and I am so grateful to everyone who helped me get better as quickly as I did.

My friends are awesome. I can never say that enough. Everyone really stepped up today and pulled together. My hospital room was packed with people all day long on Thursday. I don’t know how I will ever repay everyone for how loved they have helped me to feel—and not just during this ordeal, but ESPECIALLY during this ordeal. My visitors included (over the span of my hospital stay): Jenny, Jack, J, Barrus, Blake, Casey, Courtney, Ashley Baugh, Allie, Liz, Mindy, Debbie and Jeff, Sister Shumway, Trevor, Sydnie, Heather, Molly, John, and Elder Johnson. Nikki, my cousin also came before she started her shift in the hospital. I called Kara, and she alerted the rest of the family. So I had phone calls pouring in almost constantly. It’s sad that it takes something like this for me to remember the love that I have around me--near and far. We just get so caught up in our own lives that it’s easy to forget—it’s easy to forget to take the time to SHOW love, but it’s also easy to forget to take the time to SEE the love that is around us.

I made all sorts of deals with Heavenly Father during this. I just realized how blessed I am to be healthy regularly. Yes, I have had my fair share of hospital excursions, but overall, I am healthy. I always bounce back quickly and I am never down for long. And all of this highlighted how much of a blessing that is—health is everything. Health determines what you can and can’t do. Health, like people, is something you don’t appreciate until it’s gone.

On Friday I felt scared because I was aware of how much weight I had lost. My bones were sticking out more than usual and I felt weaker than I ever remember feeling. I couldn’t speak above a whisper and I was even too weak to open my eyes. That scared me.

My doctor told me later that if I had been in Africa when this hit full fledge, I would have died. They definitely didn't have the means to take care of me in any of the hospitals there. That, or I would have come home with AIDS. It just makes my heart ache for those people who find themselves in those situations and have no other option but to die.

But, I was able to celebrate a small success Friday: I ate a piece of toast. Toast has never tasted so good.

On Friday, the hospital almost performed a procedure on me that was meant for a different patient. I was in the middle of meeting with a specialist of infectious disease when my nurse came in saying that they needed to prep me for a colonoscopy. What? She was surprised that I didn’t know, and I was surprised and confused as to why I was getting a colonoscopy. They gave me two enemas, and as she was working on the second one the nurse comes back in and says, “STOP WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING!” Turns out, the doctor had told her the wrong patient. Awesome. This all sounds like a lovely lawsuit waiting to happen. The nurse was of course mortified, but I knew it wasn’t her fault—it was the doctor’s. Unbelievable. It’ll make for a funny ha-ha story later. Just not yet.

By Saturday I hadn’t thrown up. I still had diarrhea (no change in symptoms), I still felt extremely nauseated, I still felt extremely weak, but I felt stronger still. Everything started feeling like it was under control whereas before it was controlling me. I’m far from 100%, but at least I feel like I’m headed in the right direction.

Fast forward to Wednesday the 8^th. I met with the infectious disease specialist, Dr. Ford, and he asked me whose idea it was to go home from the hospital. I told him it was the doctor's. Apparently Dr. Ford heard that I was the one who was eager to leave the hospital. He told me he was surprised by my discharge, and after meeting with me today he is confident that I was released too early. I totally agree that I was released too early. It frustrated me that he heard that I was the one who was eager to leave when the doctor was really making me feel like I should be the one wanting to leave because I was SO much better.

I got worse on Sunday. I could hardly eat anything and I was collapsed on the Sermon’s couch in a heap of tears. I just couldn't hold it together anymore. Even though I'm the one that is sick, I still feel like I have to hold it together for everyone--I had to put on a happy face and crack jokes about the irony of coming home so sick from a health expedition. Liz took care of me Saturday night, and then I was back to the Sermon’s.

On Tuesday I was able to go to an hour of class. I’m getting better, and my bathroom trips are less frequent and under better control. But I am still feeling weak and dizzy when I stand or sit up. But I am grateful I was able to make it to class. I am not ready to be derailed from my goals just yet. And in my blessing I was encouraged to continue on the path that I have set out on.

On Wednesday I was back in the ER. After my appointment with Dr. Ford, he sent me straight over to the ER for fluids. It was obvious by my frail state that I wasn’t doing a very good job of keeping up on my fluids by myself. My resting heart rate was 103. So poor Blake—he spent the afternoon in the hospital with me. Again. But he was a trooper about it. I bought him dinner afterwards. I regretted eating Costa Vida shortly thereafter, but you know what, it was so worth it.

After being released too soon with a diagnosis of basically a bad tummy ache and a prescription to take half of a Flinstone vitamin, Dr. Ford finally was the one to hear me. Now, I’m being treated for cholera. The correct antibiotic produced almost immediate results. What a difference a correct diagnosis makes. It doesn’t help to give up trying to figure out the cause—treating symptoms is not a long term solution.

I call this, the cholera cleanse. All the cons outweigh any possible pro—for instance, weight loss. Not worth it. Plus I didn't have weight to lose.

People keep saying, “I bet you’re never going back.” But to anyone who actually thinks that this is going to have me roll over and admit defeat doesn’t know me very well. If anything, this has been all the more motivating for me to go back. Now I understand a part of their world that I could not have understood any other way. As J says, I have major street credit now. My new crusade is to make sure the whole world has clean water to drink. What stood out to me most from our many trainings was the common theme that “If we are healthy, we are happy.” And that has rung very true with me lately. I think of it this way:

The fluids helped me so much on Wednesday. I continued IV therapy that week with all of the oncology patients--talk about humbling. I am finally at the point where I think that I can live life like this. I felt alive again. I even ate waffles. Waffles always help me to appreciate life more.

Right now, life is in pretty good perspective. Just being alive helps me to appreciate life more.

Hopefully I can hang onto this attitude for a little while longer.

And to everyone, thank you. Those two little words to do not even begin to do anyone justice, but they are all I have. So, thank you.

drunk for africa

2012-02-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

So, Paris was unexpectedly awesome. I really didn't think I'd care much for Paris, but oh did I care. A major cloud came and rained on all of the good feelings I had roaming around Notre Dame—that cloud being the staff at the Paris airport. After being cleared in the US, all of a sudden we have to check our bags that have made it as carry-ons until now, paying almost $150 extra. So frustrating. Not only that, but we were sent back and forth and back again trying to deal with it. We were thirty minutes late departing. Now I’ll try to recall all the positive.

Walking around Paris wrinkled my brain. First, about the language itself. It’s so hard to fully comprehend a world outside of my own. What sounds like gibberish to me has context and meaning to the Frenchies. There is also a lot of diversity there. I don’t know why that always surprises me. But as a whole, they are much classier in France. Even the window washers looked like they led classy and glamorous lives. I had this urge to talk to everyone—which I haven’t had since being a missionary. I just felt like everyone would have a story that would fascinate me.

We went to the Notre Dame. I felt like I was walking on holy ground while we were there. I looked at it with my mouth open—I couldn’t believe I was really there! Lessons from Mrs. Allsop-Day in art history flooded my mind, and so I got to act as a rusty tour guide. We were there really early—Paris was still asleep for the most part. I loved that because then I felt like I was on a movie set. Except everything feels authentic there, whereas when we have similar settings in the US we’re just posing. Our culture is awesome in its own way, but having a melting pot makes it feel like we don’t have claim on anything.

As I watched people start the hustle and bustle of their day I watched them walk past the Notre Dame without even looking at it—I guess we’re all guilty of not appreciating what we have around us fully—and that transcends all cultures. And I know you're thinking, "Wait, I thought you went to Africa?" Thanks to a six hour layover skillfully planned by yours truly, I was able to kill two birds with one stone.

Apparently, when I go abroad I have to break the word of wisdom. This time, the flight attendant took a liking to making fun of me (because I had a stuffed animal as my travel companion). He found out that I don’t drink and he took it upon himself to give me wine instead of apple juice. I did not like the taste, so he has definitely not persuaded me to start drinking. Ugh. I have gone 25 years without ever having alcohol even close to my lips--minus NyQuil. My whole life feels tainted now. So, before even getting to Africa I already had a title for my experience in Africa: “Drunk for Africa!”

Next thing I knew, I was in Africa. It didn't feel like Africa and France could be in the same world. Just like John Lewis said, when we arrived here and stepped off the plane it became very apparent very fast. And I thought to myself, “I’m in Africa. This is Africa.” My frame of reference for foreign experiences is Qatar: it’s not as hot here—I expected to walk off the airplane and into what felt like an oven. Nope. It’s actually cool (it got hot later in the week to where we felt like we were cooking, especially as we sat buildings with mud walls and tin roofs), and I needed the jacket that I had barely taken off. The sky looked like there were rain clouds overhead, but those were just dust clouds.

So, it’s different from Qatar, but there are also a lot of similarities that almost help things to feel familiar to me. One thing that was different is that everyone approached us—they were all trying to sell things. In Qatar, no one really acknowledged us, which is the opposite in Africa. We draw a lot of attention to ourselves thanks to being glow in the dark. I was totally overwhelmed with people wanting to earn money somehow. It broke my heart for them. It’s hard not to help, but that only feeds the perception of Americans if I had given everyone that approached me something. Just because I am from America does not mean that I have an indispensable amount of money—and they just don’t understand that. But I can understand why they don’t understand that—they have so very little here when it comes to material items, so of course they think that every American has everything. That’s what they wish and hope because that is the American dream and they want a piece.

Anunou picked us up from the airport and took us to his house. I felt very safe with Anunou. Anunou is the director of the Alliance in Ouelessebougou. When we arrived at Anunou’s house everything felt familiar in an unfamiliar way. I’m not exactly sure how to explain it. It was like a mix of Mexico and Qatar—more like Mexico in the sense of the level of poverty that people live in, and like Qatar in the style of homes and other things.

Before we even set foot out of the car we already had a major wake-up call to the realities that these Malians face every single day. Anunou’s neighbor passed away during childbirth--THIRTY MINUTES before we got to his house. He was sad for her, but at the same time he said it in such a way that made me feel like these are situations that are to be expected, and he’s seen it too many times to loose himself over it. The baby survived. It was very heart breaking.

We went into the home to check on the baby—Amy being a midwife and all. The men were all in the front room of the clay hut—and the baby and the women were all in the bedroom of the mother who had passed away (men and women are always separated). She was only 20. The women were wailing and grieving and chanting things I didn't understand. I was at such a loss of what to say. There wasn’t anything I could say. I didn’t want them to feel like I was imposing, so I mostly stood quietly until Amy finished checking the baby. The baby was beautiful and strong. There was one girl, who was the mother’s sister-in-law who spoke French. She lives in Paris and came for a visit. Her brother (the father) was also in Paris—so he wasn’t even there for the baby’s birth or the mother’s death. The girl that was taking care of the baby was so incredibly beautiful. These women’s beauty takes my breath away. As we left I told the family that they were in our prayers. Even though I couldn’t really communicate or offer any real comfort, I think it helped them to feel like they were being thought of and supported in whatever way we knew how.

This is not the girl I was just talking about, but this girl is from one of the villages we went to. She just captures the beauty that is in Africa.

On Saturday, we went to the market. That was a tad bit overwhelming. For the same reason that leaving the airport was overwhelming—we just get pounced on. And saying no to anyone is so hard because then they look at you like you are a selfish monster. Some people were really nice just to be nice, but most just want money. And this has all given me so much to think about.

I’ve been wondering a lot about what holds this country back?

- Resources. And it’s not even LACK of resources. It’s not knowing how to use what they have. As we’ve talked to Anunou he’s shed a lot of light on some of the problems the people in his country face, such as poor money management. He talked about how people aren’t careful with what they have. Their obsession is to have money, but they don’t know how to keep it. In a third world country with people who wonder if they can eat from day to day, they have cell phones and head phones listening to their MP3 players. He also talked about how people don’t spend the money on things to keep them healthy—they’d rather eat the cheapest food that doesn’t help them nutritionally so they can spend their money on other things. Every culture has status symbols, and every culture struggles with priorities.

- Education.

- Mentality. There are those who are resistant to change because of tradition. And it’s not their tradition that’s a problem, it’s when someone becomes stagnant—when people stop trying to progress they die in a sense. They become stuck. They forget that they can do anything that they set their mind to because they don’t know that to be true. They just don’t know any different. Their vision of possibilities is near-sighted.

- Corrupt government. Really, I keep thinking about how much of a difference government makes. We absolutely need an honest government.

- Record keeping. They don’t have paper in this country! They can’t keep record of the things they have learned in order to make any progress at all.

I will never see the world the way they do. I will never understand what they see. I wish I could blend in better in order to get a better idea. But I will always be an outsider and I will always only be able to see their world with the experiences that I have had shaping how I perceive things. I can observe and observe and observe, but I can never experience what they do. I can love this culture, but I will never be a part of it. It’s like trying to get in on someone’s inside joke. You just can’t force your way into those sorts of things, you can appreciate them, but they can never be totally yours.

For Mali, this is luxury. There is nothing like trying to pee in a hole in the ground.

Public water bowl.

But that is what is so great about this Alliance—they don’t come in and say how things should be based on their standards. They ask what the Malians want—they give them the opportunity to OWN their ideas and desires. And THAT is what makes what the Alliance does with these people sustainable. It’s impossible to help someone that doesn’t want to help. It’s impossible to create change when the change can’t be something that they can maintain on their own. Sustainability, ownership, and accountability.

Emily is the leader of our expedition, and she is such a saint. She works so hard for these people. She is just very kind-hearted. She gives so much. And she sees so much good. That is something I have to work hard at—it’s interesting because sometimes the first thing that I feel is the resentment coming from some people we meet. Not all, just some. They’ve made assumptions about me and my life and who I am. But it’s a good reminder to be conscious and aware to not do the same.

Emily is a great leader. She is not pushy, and she helps people feel good about themselves. She is able to present ideas in a non-threatening way so they feel like it’s their idea rather than resisting the idea at first. She’s not pushy, but she’s not a pushover either. She gets things done. She’s not afraid, or she doesn’t act afraid. She is always calm, which puts everyone around her at ease. She is generous at paying compliments and giving credit. She’s shy, but not awkward. She genuinely cares and is extremely thoughtful. She puts others before herself. She truly exemplifies Christ-like labor of love and service. I just want to be Emily when I grow up.

But Amy, Emily, and I seem to make a great team. We got along very well, and we're all signed up for next year. We have so many plans and ideas, and I can't wait to see them through.

We walked around the village when we arrived at the compound Saturday night. It just doesn’t feel real. I feel so removed from how they live. I think I have to stay that way a little bit in order to handle everything I see. Otherwise, I would be overcome with sorrow. There is garbage everywhere, kids are dirty, and their houses are merely huts or made of mud. Their full time job is to survive.

And that is part of what has me already enchanted with them—they are HAPPY. They are so very happy. They find every reason to rejoice, even when they have so little materialistically. As Americans, we have a lot to learn from them. These people’s average annual income is $210 American dollars—but what they lack in money they are rich in language and culture.

We made tea and hot chocolate to share with Buba, Bakary (pronounced:Bakahree), and Alu the first night we were at the compound. They all work at the Alliance. Buba is over education, Bakary is our translator, and Alu is over finances. We ate our dinner with them. They were SO much fun. They love to joke and to kid each other—and when they laugh, they LAUGH. They don’t let anything hide. You'll probably hear me say that over and over again. I love that when you look a Malian in the face, you can tell exactly what they are thinking. I just fall in love with them more and more each minute.

Alu has the BEST laugh.

On Sunday we woke up to the sounds of donkeys. There is nothing like waking up to the sound of African children singing traditional songs back and forth to each other. I went outside and looked at the mud houses that are next door. Their doors were curtains and the roofs are made of tin. All I could think over and over was, “This is their real life.” I am humbled to the dust.

As a side note, if you re-watch the video I posted last time, one of the little girls that is my new best friend is in it. She is with the kids that are sitting out by the gate of compound. She is in yellow and she's the second on the left. Her name is Masa Samake. I'll tell you more about the kids later.

Masa's home. Her home is smaller than the size of a bedroom. Her door is the one in the middle.

Also, there is nothing like taking a bucket shower to wake you up in the morning. If we wanted warm water, we had to boil it. The donkey is also favorite. Trying to crawl out of a mosquito net is also pretty entertaining when all you can think about is how badly you have to use the restroom and this net is the only thing between you and the wonderful relief that comes from going to the bathroom.

We had our own church with each other the first Sunday we were there. We read President Uchtdorf’s talk from last conference entitled, “You Matter to Him”. It was unbelievably perfect for the circumstances that we are in now. It’s amazing how that talk takes on completely different meaning now with a completely different view of life. Also, we read Alma 37. That chapter is actually what the theme of the expedition is based on, “by small and simple things are great things brought to pass”.

We went out and played with the kids while we waited for all of the staff to get here to go over everything that will be happening this week. They (the kids, not the staff) would all crowd around me and imitate what I was doing—so I taught them the hokie-pokie. I forget how much I love kids until I have 20 kids surrounding me. Literally. And the hokie-pokie was such a huge hit, we taught each group we trained--the hokie-pokie has never been so much fun.

When I ran out of things to dance and words to try and teach each other, I went and got my computer. I showed them pictures of my family and then I let them watch an episode of Bobby’s World. They LOVED that. I’m not sure how the word travelled to the kids in the village, but they ALL started coming. I got a little worried that the little kids were going to get hurt and pushed around. But they loved it. And I loved getting to looking into their deep dark eyes while they intensely watched the computer screen. Their eyes say EVERYTHING. They really are just so beautiful—there is no other word to describe them.

As I held my computer on my lap for them to watch, I thought that for just a moment they could be distracted from the things that make their life so hard. The littler kids would hold my hand and just stare at my fingers. They started to fight over who got to hold my hands. There were so many kids, so not everyone could see. There was one little boy who had been trying so hard to get a view of the computer, but eventually he gave up and just rested his head on my shoulder and just would giggle to himself at the funny voice of Bobby. That was a great moment in my life, and I would dare say it was probably one of my favorite moments. I actually thought a lot about 3 Nephi 11 during the time I got to spend with them. I’ll never forget their big deep brown eyes. Never, never, never.

Everything and everyone back homes seemed so forgotten and far away. I guess sometimes the things that are out of sight can be out of mind—so whenever I need that, I guess I’ll just hop on a plane and go somewhere. Ah, if only it were that simple.

Everything with the trainings went really well on Sunday. Emily said that my training was actually one of her favorites ever given--I did a listening exercise with them. That made me feel so good to hear because I was so worried about being able to be a valuable contribution to this expedition. But every group we did this with was my favorite group ever--like I've said, the Malians LOVE to laugh. And they had lots of reasons to laugh as everyone was yelling and shouting trying to get the blind-folded person to go off course. It was AWESOME.

We went to the town of Missagiobougou on Monday and completed a phase III health plan with them. Emily said it was the most effective phase III that she has ever done. These people were hungry for knowledge and eager to do their part. It was amazing to walk around their village and continue thinking to myself, “This is their life.” I will go home and live my life the way I was before, and they will go back to their villages and continue to live their lives the way they have. It is absolutely incredible to see the stark differences in our way of life. They labor hard—all day everyday. Their worries they shared with us revolved around being able to afford and grow the right foods that have the nutrients they need in order to stay healthy so they can work hard in their village and contribute to everything that needs to get done in order to survive. And they kept saying, "When we are healthy, we can be happy."

Brothers of the chief. The chief passed away last month.

Listening to them list off the things that they would like to have to keep themselves happier was tremendously humbling. A pulley system for their wells so that the women can pull the water up when the water gets too low. Bleach to put in their wells so they can kill the worms and diseases that can infiltrate them. In general, they just wish they had water. Three of the six wells they have in their village dried up from the lack of rain this last rainy season. They want a broom that has a long stick—their brooms right now are just the broom part, so they spend their time hunched over when sweeping. Soap to wash their hands. Mosquito nets. These people use sticks to brush their teeth. Just let all of that soak in for a minute.

The only way I can think of how to explain what I felt listening to them was remembering how I learned about people living in these circumstances in school. It was difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that instead of just talking about these people who live far away from me and my reality, these people sitting in a semi-circle around me were the ones that are actually living these stories. It is very hard to comprehend, but I kept experiencing mini slaps in the face that challenged my reality.

This village showed such strong characteristics of initiative, leadership, proactive-ness, unity, desire, etc. They completed everything in their previous health plans—100%. They completely did their part. They showed that they understood that while the Alliance had provided them with some things they wouldn’t have been able to get otherwise, what the Alliance provided them with was knowledge—which is much more powerful. They said, “We provided the efforts.” They understood that it was THEM who determined the successfulness and that they could continue these efforts once the Alliance has less of a presence in their village. And that attitude is crucial to determining whether this program will be successful and continue to make a big difference in the lives of the villagers now and in years to come.

Making shea butter.

Plus, they were just so much fun. As I listened to their concerns and was amazed about the things that they deal with—there really are no words to explain how humbling this experience was—I loved watching them laugh. They are so happy and they LOVE to joke around. They had such a blast with the listening game, and then we taught them the hokie pokie during one of our stretching breaks—boy did they love those activities. They were doubled over laughing--and not just laughing AT us, but WITH us. I already love them so much—and I just met them today. I am so grateful that this got to be the first village I got to see. I was so sad to leave and think that these people have had such a profound affect on me, and realistically I might never see them again.

I am proud to say that I got myself a boyfriend in Missagiobougou. Finally. His name is Salim Samake. He also gave me my Malian name—I am Worokiya Samake. Meaning, I belong to this village because I have their family name. My heart nearly burst with happiness when I got this name. I will treasure it for always. Amy also got hers from the girls in the group, mainly from the most beautiful girl I have EVER seen, Asetou Samake--Amy's name is Aminata Samake. Emily has had her name for awhile (this is her seventh time to Mali), she is Assitan Kone. There are certain families that are your "joking cousins" and the joke here is that you're a bean eater. They LAUGH and laugh and laugh at calling people bean eaters--because eating beans means you have gas. But, they learned in our training how to make beans so they won't get gas. So, they'll have to come up with a new joke.

Salim Samake!

We had them pretend that they were writing us a letter a few years down the road to tell us what they hope they will be able to report. They struggled with the concept, but everyone said they wanted to write to Worokiya because “She is our friend,” which absolutely touched my heart. It’s so hard to not be able to communicate—I just hope I can convey what I am feeling and that they can feel it too. I want them to know that I love them! Once they understood a little more they said, “We were in a hole, but we are now emerging.”

What a good day that was. I just wish I could download my thoughts and feelings so that they would be adequately represented and articulated. That seems like an impossible task after experiences like these. These people have NOTHING--but they have nothing but happiness, and yet, whereas in the states we have EVERYTHING, but we seem to have everything BUT happiness.

At the end of the training on Tuesday, I could hear that all of the kids had gathered back at the fence. They all stand by the fence until we acknowledge them. They have started chanting, “Stephy! Stephy!” When they opened the fence they started dancing the hokie pokie like we taught them. So, I went over and we danced together some more. It’s pretty cool because we communicate with each other through dancing—it’s like dancing IS our common language.

I went back inside to grab my notebook and took some of their names. They all gathered around and were so excited to see their names written—some of them were probably seeing it written down for the very first time. But now, I have their names to keep with me for forever. Even COOLER was that when I was getting all of their names a bunch of the kids were Samakes—we’re FAMILY. Masa Samake, Tante Samake, and Aminata Samake are my favorite girls to see. They even went back to their house and brought me a baby to hold—my life is complete.

We got done pretty early on Tuesday, so we got to have a nice relaxing evening full of laughter. I really like Amy and Emily—I couldn’t imagine coming to a place like this with a better group than those two. I was very worried about not knowing them, but it has turned out better than I could have ever imagined, and for that I am so grateful. We make a good team. At the first village we went to, we met the brother of the chief and he pronounced a blessing that the three of us would stay together for a very long time—so I hope that is a premonition about our future work here together!

I showed the kids Claire’s video where she makes Indian noises when Jenny would put her hand up on her mouth. After seeing that video, the kids waiting at the gate went through the moves we’ve done together: hokie pokie, blowing kisses, and then Claire’s noises. Jenny will be so excited to hear that they’ve fallen in love with doing that.

Anunou is an incredible person. I want him to meet President Monson. Anunou is so selfless—he is always thinking about the problems of his people and the solutions he can offer. At a staff meeting before a training, he shared his thought saying, “I believe in the power I have to help myself and to help others.” He is an amazing leader and has a commanding presence. We all had some pretty incredible missionary experiences talking to him. His kids are in the states going to school, and two of them have already been baptized. Anunou is so excited to have the church in Mali someday so he too can join.

Anunou took us to his home before taking us to the airport. On the drive to his house and all during dinner, we answered questions that Anunou has about the church. His face shows how excited he gets when talking about the church. He and his wife read the Book of Mormon every night together. Anunou has so many great questions that show he already understands so much and that he is eager and hungry to learn. He already knows he wants to be baptized, he just wants to wait until the church can have a presence in Mali. He even told us that he has a plot of land that he purchased from the government that he wants to build the church on that he’ll donate. Wow. He kept rolling up his sleeves and showing us the goose bumps that he’d get on his arm. After talking about the temple with him he said, “I feel like I am floating in the sky.” We explained the Spirit and the many ways the Spirit talks to us to testify of truth—and that he was definitely feeling that, and that that feeling will only get stronger as he continues to live his life in a way that shows that he is inviting the Spirit to dwell with him. He is incredible and he is going to be such a force for good in Mali.

It just felt so great to get to be a missionary again. Anunou is going to be a fantastic member of the church someday, and I know that he will be very influential in getting the church to Mali in the first place. Yet another person that I am honored to have had the opportunity to learn from.

There is a lot to fall in love with here. The idea of Africa can be kind of a romantic one. But I almost started crying when Anunou talked about how some of these women won’t look the same next year—some won’t even be here. Starvation is very real for these villagers. This last rainy season didn't allow them to produce enough crops for this year. Their wells have dried up, and the ones that remain have cholera present in them. Their food is running out. Every group we had had someone in it who had recently lost someone due to starvation. Even though coming to Africa has a bit of a romantic idea—but the problems and sorrow these people face are very real. It’s not okay for them to go through this. We try to make ourselves feel better by saying they still find some way to be happy and laugh in the midst of all of this. If I’m ever feeling sorry for myself, I will think of these people. I don’t know how to explain the moment of realization that I had while I was sitting in that school today. It literally made my heart ache for these people as I looked around the room wondering what these people were really facing when they would go home after these trainings. I tried to read their faces and it just made my heart ache and wish that I could do so much more. But going along with this theme, I have to believe that the little I can do will somehow make a difference.

The way lunch is served--everyone eats out of the same bowl. Boy am I glad that we teach about washing hands.

DON'T EAT WITH YOUR LEFT HAND. Ever. Notice, mine is tied behind my back.

Make no mistake about it: coming to Africa was NOT a vacation. We worked ten hours (at least) a day. I like this kind of work though.

Even though this has been hard and completely exhausting, it’s been nice because it’s been a different kind of worry. I haven’t felt anxious at all here for any reason. I am not looking forward to going home and getting nervous about everything again. But even though it was so tiring, it was one of the most rewarding—at the end of the training when they were so appreciative. They talked about how this was the best training that they have had with the alliance and that they will never forget us. They said they would stay all day and all night because we came from across the world to teach them things that they have never known before for free. I got chills all over as we listened to them share their thoughts and gratitude. I just wish I could express how much I feel the same way towards them. They are amazing.

The villagers we train have all caught wind about the hokie-pokie, and have started requesting it. Word travels fast in villages, I've noticed. They just LOVE that dance! And I love that they love it. After we finished, the ladies gathered around Amy and me and danced and sang for us. That was SO fun. My love just keeps growing and growing. The crazy thing is, I loved these people so much before I ever even met them. I worry about all of the same things though, I worry that I won’t be able to communicate that love in a way that they will know and feel that I love them. I always feel like I am failing in that department. But I hope and pray they can feel it—love is its own language. But at least I have the Bamanikan greetings down--I can communicate for 2.5 seconds on my own without the translator.

We visited the village of N’Korobougou on Wednesday to start phase I. Just like with Missagioubougou, we were received very well. My impressions from this village was that they have already learned a lot from neighboring villages about health and sanitation, and they are eager to learn more about how to keep themselves healthy in order to promote happiness. That is something that comes up in every meeting, they want to be healthy so they can be happy.

During one of the lulls of the training, Amy renamed one of the older men sitting close to us. He seemed like the wise man of the village—that’s how he carried himself anyway. She thought he reminded her of Howard W. Hunter, and when I said that I could see that resemblance, she had Bakary translate that his American name is Howard Hunter. He sat up straighter and immediately announced that no one was ever to call him by his Malian name ever again because he would not respond. I wrote him a new nametag, and the health planning resumed.

He disappeared for a while, which we had been told he would because he had to leave for a job somewhere. He returned sooner than expected, but he did not return empty handed. There are these cough drop-y things that are used as candy here. He had a bag of candy and he passed that around to everyone in celebration of his new American name. I had no idea that this was such a big deal, but it seemed as if he had been waiting for this day for his whole life.

Thursday, Howard showed up in the middle of annual training with the health agents and matrons. I watched him as he got out of the car, knowing immediately it had something to do with his name—it was just a feeling I had. He went to his trunk and pulled out a chicken. A chicken. He walked in and spoke to Anunou—Howard brought the chicken to show his gratitude (I guess?) about his new name. Amy named the chicken Henry. I hope Hentry gets to live for a very long time.

Let me explain what we do. When we go to the villages, we make a health plan with them. They tell us what they would like to see happen in their village relating to health. Generally, the goal is to reduce disease and sickness—like malaria, cholera, and diarrhea. The concept that the Alliance is introducing to these Malians is new—and for that reason they start small and they help them learn how to facilitate a discussion. They don’t come in and just them a bunch of stuff that they could probably really use—they help them learn how to sustain the help they receive on their own. They teach them to evaluate making realistic goals that are reliant upon themselves rather than dependent on other people giving them stuff. I really like the philosophy behind it all. So, they set goals like sleeping with mosquito nets, washing their hands before every meal and after the bathroom, eating beans, eating the fruits and vegetables that they grow, bleaching their water wells, focusing on nutrition for pregnant mothers and their babies, etc.

During the annual training, health agents and matrons come from 25 different villages—and we split this group up into three days. In the annual training, we introduce the theme (small things make a big difference) and trained them on the digestive system, CPR, how to cook beans so they don’t give you gas, what to do if there are complications during labor/pregnancy, how to keep mother and baby healthy before, during, and after labor, how to weigh babies, and how to chart their growth on a growth chart. It was a lot of new ideas to go over, but every day I was continually impressed that these people who can barely read can learn and understand concepts so well. We would give different scenarios and problems and they were always able to come up with the correct answers. And when it was there time to teach, they would basically teach back to us word for word what we taught them. That shows me how hungry they are for this knowledge.

In addition to all of that, we (Emily) has gotten all of the materials we went over translated into their local language—Bamanikan. This will be extremely helpful for them because the goal is that they will go home to their villages, gather their councils, and teach them what they learned—thus creating a ripple effect of change. Today’s training was particularly powerful. Emily shared an experience that she had when preparing to come to Mali.

She was aware that this year has been a difficult year for the Malians and she prayed about what to do to help the people of Ouelessebougou. She got emotional as she shared her answer. She explained that she felt impressed that the answer was not going to come from America. The answer is in Mali with the people in Mali. They are the ones who are experts of their culture and their land. It is important that they believe in themselves and as Anunou said during our staff meeting before the villagers arrive, to believe “in the power [they] have to help [themselves] and to help others.”

Needless to say, it was a very power and it showed me more of a glimpse into the love that is in Emily. Aside from my mother, she is probably the most Christ-like person that I have ever met. As I thought about this, I learned some things. First of all, Emily is very quiet. She goes about quietly serving and quietly loving—but she never stops doing either of those things. She might not be like Amy who is usually the first to try and break down guards and walls that people carry around—Amy is remembered and usually gains favor quickly with people. But there is just something that is different about Emily and the compassion that she has in her heart. Emily is the silent force that is actually producing change. I really am so honored to know her and to have had this experience to learn from her. Amy is just as amazing, just in her own kind of way. That's why we make a good team, we all bring something different to the table. And me, well, I always serve the same purpose in people's lives: I'm tall and can reach things that they can't reach on the top shelf.

Sometimes during the trainings I'd wonder if they are even listening to us. Most are tired from their long journeys (one man biked 80 kilometers to be at our training) and so it’s hard for them to stay awake. But in the end, there is an outpouring of sincere gratitude. This one matron approached me after the meeting and started pounding on my heart while telling me something. I frantically looked for Bakary because I felt like she was telling me something I’d like to understand. And she was. She was pronouncing a blessing on me to live long and to come back and continue to help them. I pray that I will never forget the feelings that I have had here and that I will be able to have a way to come back next year. I would love to get more and more involved in this project.

Friday is market day. Everyone from all over comes to the market to sell their goods. The market is like the rest of Mali, dusty, buried under garbage, overpacked with people, all of the buildings are barely being held together by faith, and so smelly. Going through the market made me SO sad today. There is something about the animals that make me the MOST sad—they can’t help their situation and they will be the last to ever get food. They live their lives hoping something good got left in the leftovers. There is SO much poverty here. It’s hard to not get overwhelmed and wonder how it could possibly ever get better. Sometimes I worry that as a result of those feelings, I end up numbing myself to not feel as much, thus becoming immune, or unaffected, to what I see and hear.

I read Moroni nine in my scripture study one night. It was amazingly applicable, and it helped calm my feelings that I had been having as a result of our walk through the market where I was face to face with the awful situation of some of these people. And animals. Moroni 9:25-26 spoke to me as if Heavenly Father was saying, “Don’t worry. I got them.”

I woke up around six Saturday morning to the usual noises—a donkey that serves as an alarm, prayer calls, African music, kids crying, and bells ringing. I fumbled my way around my mosquito net to get my earplugs and eye cover. When I laid back down I felt extremely unwell. At first I thought it was just my usual bought with morning sickness—I don’t know why, but I always wake up feeling a little unwell, but it goes away very quickly. Instead, this did not go away but it only increased. I made several trips to the bathroom that didn’t really help. I felt dehydrated and feverish. I laid on the floor because I wanted to be closer to the bathroom. Then, the feeling hit me. THE feeling. I went into the bathroom and threw up several times all over the floor. I hate throwing up—but I love how much better I feel afterwards. I felt unwell all day—I was feeling weak and dizzy. But I knew that I would regret giving in to sickness instead of going to N’Korobougou. And after the day we had, I would have regretted missing it for the rest of my life.

The bumpy car ride to the village was extremely difficult for me to stomach, but I managed. When we arrived, the whole town had gathered under their largest mango tree that has wood logs set up like stadium seating. We were summoned to take our seats in the front row so the festivities could begin. Before any of the dancers came out, Anunou announced that Moussaj had told him that after the training we had with them on Wednesday, his wife gave birth to a baby girl. And he wants to name the baby after Emily—Assitan Emily Kone. WHAT AN HONOR.

Name-sake.

The Gomba dance was INCREDIBLE. There are not enough words in all of the languages combined to describe how awesome it was to get to be a part of such an important ritual of these villagers. I think this is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen, and there is no way to give it justice with my descriptions. Someday, I'll have the video of it--when Amy gives it to me. But my new goal in life is to learn how to celebrate like an African.

After we got settled in the school I started looking around at our new location (they moved us into the bigger school since the other school was too small to fit us and our new-comers of the administration team)—dirt floors, uneven doors, uneven windows, tin roof, random pillars located inside to hold the roof up, cracks in the mud walls exposing the outside, flies, flies, and more flies. But, I looked at their chalkboard and tried to figure out what they were learning about—angles. Above the chalkboard I saw something written on the wall very faintly. I looked harder and recognized what it was: the digestive system! That shows how excited the health agents were to share what they learned—they went home to their village and immediately shared their knowledge. What great examples of not taking something for granted.

We got henna tattoos Saturday night. I didn’t think mine through very well. I kept thinking, “Oh I can get it on my hand, my work won’t care since it’s not permanent.” Plus, the henna I've been used to is the wimpy kind that goes away after a week. Not this kind--my left hand has beautiful intricate designs--that are black and stay for five weeks. Oops. I kind of forgot about working at the temple. Uh oh. I guess I’m going to have to pull a Michael Jackson and just wear one white glove.

Apparently henna means I’m going to get married soon. Along with the marriage theme, after our heart-warming staff debriefing on Sunday, I went on an outing with Ozzie (an awesome translator about my age that I wish I could have taken home with me) and some of the board members clan. We heard all sorts of drums and tropical-y sounding musical instruments, so Ozzie volunteered to calm our curiosity. There was a wedding going on down the street! Everyone looked INCREDIBLE. It’s amazing what people can look like when they aren’t covered in dust! The women were especially breath-taking. They were in the most elaborate dresses made of materials I have never seen before. Their hair was masterfully weaved. Big shiny earrings hung from their ears and weighed down their ear lobes. Best of all, they all had henna on their arms and feet, too. Theirs looked better than mine—things just look better with black skin. But the wedding party was very welcoming and treated us like we were the guests of honor.

After we all went back to the compound, I went with Emily to see the wedding—she was working out some final details about something so she couldn’t come with the rest of us. As we walked, we collected several neighborhood children. They joined us at the wedding celebration. When we left, I looked at the kids that I had gathered around each hand and noticed one girl I hadn’t seen before. I stopped our walking and asked Emily if she remembered the little girl in orange. As we are trying to figure out how on earth we can determine where she belongs, we see her mother cut through the crowd and come get her. She was smiling, so she at least knew that we had stopped because we recognized that she didn’t belong to us and we were actually not trying to kidnap her. She clung to my leg as her mother pulled her away.

We said our good-byes to the staff. I hate good-byes. Saying good-bye to the kids was the hardest. I am going to miss seeing little Masa Samake poking her head out of her curtain door seeing her over the wall that we share. I’m going to miss the handshake we taught them. I’m going to miss hearing little African kids try and pronounce my name and calling me every time they saw me, “Shtuffy! Shtuffy!” And hearing, “Bonju, bonju!” every morning for "Bonjure!" Those kids are a big part of my favorite parts of this whole trip.

I feel like I have lived a lifetime just in this one week. I felt like Africa WAS my life now—it’s like Utah was nothing but a dream. But alas, I woke up--I guess Africa was the dream.

ready or not, here i go

2012-01-17T00:51:00.000-08:00

I had surgery on December 16th. Turns out my newest niece was also born on December 16th! We will always share the bond of being in the hospital on the same day, I can just feel it. So I really have nothing to report from my Christmas break other than I have watched every single episode known to man of Parks and Recreation. Man, I love that show. You should start watching it. And Community. I've been so hooked on Community that I dreamt that Abed, one of the funniest characters on the show, was my boyfriend. I decided the next morning when I woke up that I should probably take a break from Community. I'm afraid of commitment, after all. I can't have Abed appearing in all of my dreams expecting me to be all girlfriendy and stuff. We just barely met.

Home sweet home at the Central Utah Surgical Clinic.

Back to surgery. My friend Trevor picked me up from surgery and has thirty minutes of video of me repeating the same three conversations in a cycle. He would do that. I am relieved to report that I did not reveal any deep dark secrets to him. I was really worried about that prior to surgery, so I am sure that my subconscious helped me to filter even when I was heavily sedated. I have to admit, the videos are pretty funny. Maybe I'll be the next YouTube sensation--if we ever upload them from his phone.

No one really visited me after surgery. I don't think it's the lack of people caring or that my friends aren't as awesome as I thought they were, but I think the Christmas break was to blame. Also, I was tucked away at Mindy's, so I'm sure the distance from here to Provo is what was preventing those visitors to make their way over here. Oh well. (But to those of you who DID come visit, my spirits were and are very grateful to you!) Mindy's two year old niece visited me every day. Seriously, she is the CUTEST. Hanging out with her has made me miss teaching swim lessons fiercely. I love my little kids. Maybe I'll be an elementary school counselor instead. High school kids are a bunch of punks...but I love 'em. Anywho, Kennedy will walk in the door and say, "Snuffanie! Snuffanie?!" Then she'll wander around the house until she finds me. The day after my surgery she literally sat by me all day. We watched Tangled and Toy Story 3. So I guess I don't need friends if I have two year olds! Mindy's brother and sister-in-law have both told me that they are going to re-write their wills so that I get Kennedy and Jackson if anything ever happens to them. I hope nothing ever happens to them, but I'll take those kids in a heartbeat if they ever need a home.

All I've ever wanted in life are footy pajamas. Happiest Christmas surprise ever.

I have been left with far too much time to think these days. But, after falling in a rut for a minute, I've been able to climb out of it and learn what I think I was supposed to learn.

This is something I have been thinking about, this is a quote from a book I'm reading: “If you are poor, work. If you are burdened with seemingly unfair responsibilities, work. Idleness gives room for doubts and fears. If disappointments come, keep right on working. If sorrow overwhelms you and loved ones seem not true, work. If health is threatened, work. When faith falters and reason fails, just work. When dreams are shattered and hope seems dead, work. Work as if your life were in peril. It really is. No matter what ails you, work. Work faithfully—work with faith. Work is the greatest remedy available for both mental and physical afflictions.” –Korsaren

I whole-heartedly believe that statement. It reminds me of what President Hinckley said after his wife passed away, "Work will cure your grief." I always try to make myself the exception, but it (working to cure grief) always turns out to be true.

Moving on. I have recovered a bazillionty times better this time as opposed to the last time I had this surgery. And I am so grateful. I know Heavenly Father has heard my prayers, and everyone else's prayers in my behalf.

Then came New Year's. Can you believe it's 2012? This New Year’s was SO awesome, though. I went with Mindy and Jourdan to her brother’s house for fondue. I got to snuggle with Jackson, my will-child, for a while—I’ll claim him as my New Year’s kiss.

Speaking of kisses, Jourdan, Mindy, Trevor, and I went up to Salt Lake for the New Year’s celebrations. We first went to Temple Square and watched this blue grass band perform in the tabernacle. It was surprisingly awesome—I really like bluegrass. There is a certain energy and optimism that I feel when watching performances from bluegrass artists. We left the concert early and head over to where there was going to be fireworks.

There were some dub-step DJs playing, and we danced outside the fence (it cost money to get inside the fence). Jourdan has some pretty sick dance moves! Like, legit. I was so impressed! So we danced and danced and had the time of our lives. The next day, my arms were sore from all of the air-pumping I did (I had to be careful dancing because my tummy was still very aware of the fact that it had just been sliced into). When the countdown started, I let Mindy and Jourdan go a little off by themselves. I started cheering after they kissed. Best first kiss ever! They went flying earlier on New Year's (Jourdan is a pilot-student), and then their first kiss was accompanied by some AWESOME fireworks. I love fireworks. I think this has been the best New Year—it’s the best that I can remember, anyway. It was fun when I was little because I got to stay up late and bang pots and pans. But this was still probably the funnest. We had a concert in the car to Imagine Dragons, and that was the cherry on top of the evening. I was just…happy. I love my friends.

And Mindy has a boyfriend now.

On a completely unrelated note, my strips came off a few days ago and revealed my scar. It is SO ugly. I hope it keeps healing, because I feel like everyone would be able to tell even with it hiding under a shirt. But other than that, I have made a complete and full recovery. Thank the heavens.

In bigger news, I got a pedicure last week. I’ll let that sink in really quickly. I got a pedicure! Jenny, Kelsey (Jenny's friend who visited from California), and I went into Aveda for pedicures. Hilary (Mindy's friend from school), Loni (a girl I coincidentally used to work with at Lehi), and Mindy gave us our pedicures. It was weird at first, but I had Claire (Jenny's baby) to distract me. My 2011 New Year's goals are now complete. Who knows what 2012 will hold in store.

I LEAVE FOR AFRICA ON WEDNESDAY! I am so excited. Watch this video and be excited with me. Seriously, this is a once and a lifetime opportunity and I can't even wrap my head around everything that I am going to learn. I know I am going to come home humbled to the dust. I am so grateful that I get to be a part of this. I consider myself extremely blessed and definitely do not take this opportunity for granted.

I literally did homework for eight hours straight with no breaks last Wednesday. I have finished three weeks of homework and finished all of my shopping for Africa. I hope I don't have too much of a culture shock. It is hard to pack and to prepare, because I really don't know what to expect. If I get to go back next year, I imagine the packing process will feel less like shooting in the dark. My favorite item on our packing list, "Ear plugs--the animals can be noisy at night." I have been crossing my fingers it all comes together with minimal anxiety attacks.

Today was an historic day. Not just because of the celebrations of Civil Rights Day, once properly known as Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but because Claire’s crib was finished! She gets her own room now. I hope it all goes well on their first night. I hear these transitions can be a bit rocky.

Civil rights for all.

i can do hard things

2011-12-31T23:58:00.000-08:00

Reflections on my New Year’s resolutions for 2011:

1. Know God better.

As I think back throughout the events of this year, there isn’t anything out of the ordinary that would make this year extraordinarily difficult. I had health insurance, I have good friends, I even had a boy for a second and a half. Life wasn’t ACTUALLY so bad. However, 2011 has probably been one of the hardest years I have ever had. And “hard” doesn’t even begin to explain it. It has been hard emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I would never want to relive this year.

But, I can honestly say I’m grateful I had the experiences I had. I learned so much this year—I learned things I thought I’d already learned, and I learned things I had no idea that I hadn’t already learned—those sound like the same idea, but I am just having a difficult time expressing what I am feeling and thinking. God really helped me with my New Year’s resolutions, as silly as that might sound. But He helped me with these resolutions in ways I didn’t even know I needed. My top three goals were as follows: Know God better, know myself better, and find the best in everyone.

God taught me more about who He is through the trials and darkness and hard times He allowed me to have. He taught me who He is by teaching me more about who I am and exactly what I am capable of. He taught me more about who He is as He helped me love difficult people and to become increasingly more aware of the “signs” that they wear and how to be an instrument in His hands by reaching out and lifting someone. I still don’t always understand the trials we are allowed to go through. I think they aren’t fair, and that most of the time they seem beyond what we are capable of handling. But I guess that makes sense—He is working what is weak in us until it becomes strong. I don’t always get them, but I have come to learn that they work. They work as much as we let them work and as much as we let Him work in us. I learned a priceless lesson about COMPASSION and EMPATHY. Like the MasterCard commercials, it is literally a priceless lesson. May it always stay with me and may it continue to change how I live and how I treat others.

So in its own way, this year was probably one of the BEST I've ever had. I got to go to a handful of Imagine Dragon shows, I had fantastic roommates, I HAVE the BEST friends, I got to see my whole family for a family reunion, I went to Qatar, Allie moved to Utah, I got to see one of the most special girls my companion and I taught in Denton be sealed in the Salt Lake Temple, I had a friggin awesome 25th birthday, I got to see Mumford & Sons in REAL LIFE, I got to spend lots of time with my sister and her family--which has become some of my favorite memories, I got to visit my mission again and see some of the most special people in my life, my best friend Jenny had a beautiful baby girl named Claire, I got to be an AFY counselor to some pretty awesome kids, I got to manage the pool again, I had a song written about me, I started working in the Provo Temple, I got accepted to graduate school, etc. So LOTS of good things and I have LOTS that I am beyond words to explain how grateful I am.

It's the hard that made this year so great.

2. Know myself better.

This is from an old(er) journal entry. So for the past few days—or lifetime—I have been struggling to know how to be “myself”. I never really seem to know what that is. How can I be myself all the time if I don’t even really know what that entails? I don't think I am unique in feeling this way. I think I have a pretty good handle on who I am, but there is always more to learn. I don't just want to be a social chameleon and adapt and become whoever I am around. Of course there will be different times and circumstances that bring out different facets of my personality, but I wanted to be sure I wasn’t just molding to whatever is around me. I set a goal this year to know myself better. I wanted to know what I like and don’t like. I wanted to know how I am and how I am not. But I knew that the way I would really be able to know myself better would only come after I learned more about the Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost. I read the book called, “You Are Special” about the Wimmecks just the other day, and it got me thinking about the stars and dots that I let people stick on me. But what I really should be focusing on is what Heavenly Father thinks of me—then those stars and dots won’t stick because I will give them no power.

During a sacrament in August or September I learned more of who I am. I AM…I am quick to forgive, I am patient (except in traffic or with flies that buzz around my head), I am happy, I am concerned about others and how they feel, I am helpful, I am one who tries to help others see themselves in the best light and feel GOOD when they are around me, I am one who likes to be outside myself and WITH people, I like people and I can handle whatever their problems are, I am NOT concerned with competing—either about looks or gadgets, I am confident because I know where my strengths come from, I am funny (sometimes), and I am someone who doesn't take myself too seriously. I am NOT perfect. There is an even longer list of things that I am that I wish I wasn't. And I am definitely not perfect at any of those characteristics that I just listed. I am NOT a quitter, either. I know I have lots of growing room, and I will continue to do my best because that is what I know how to do. THAT is who I am. And if I am not feeling that, something is off. I am very grateful for the experiences that I have been having recently that have been helping me to be open to learning these lessons that Heavenly Father is probably constantly trying to teach me. Trials are so needed. They break me to build me. I am grateful Heavenly Father loves me enough to allow that to happen.

3. Find the best in everyone.

I had this lesson come to me in the most unexpected way ever. I don’t think it’s appropriate to share on the widest of world webs, but as a result of the experiences that I had, I wrote the charity scriptures from Moroni on my mirror and memorized the scripture every day. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror without reading about charity first, or at least trying to ignore that charity was staring back at me and I had to try and look through it. I learned lessons about God’s love for ALL of His children that I hope I will never forget. The capacity to love and forgive feels nothing short of a gift that I will never be able to repay. Forgiving someone is the most liberating feeling that I have ever felt (and that goes for being truly forgiven as well).

From the movie Doubt:

A woman was gossiping with a friend about a man she hardly knew - I know none of you have ever done this - that night she had a dream. A great hand appeared over her and pointed down at her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O’Rourke, and she told him the whole thing.

‘Is gossiping a sin?’ she asked the old man. ‘Was that the hand of God Almighty pointing a finger at me? Should I be asking your absolution? Father, tell me, have I done something wrong?’

‘Yes!’ Father O’Rourke answered her. ‘Yes, you ignorant, badly broughtup female! You have borne false witness against your neighbor, you have played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed!’

So the woman said she was sorry and asked for forgiveness.

‘Not so fast!’ says O’Rourke. ‘I want you to go home, take a pillow up on your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me!’

So the woman went home, took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to the roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed.

‘Did you gut the pillow with the knife?’ he says.

‘Yes, Father.’

‘And what was the result?’

‘Feathers,’ she said.

‘Feathers?’ he repeated.

‘Feathers everywhere, Father!’

‘Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out on the wind!’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘it can’t be done. I don’t know where they went. The wind took them all over

‘And that,’ said Father O’Rourke, ‘is GOSSIP!’

4. Don't be afraid of feet.

All would agree that I have moved mountains in this department. It still depends on who it is, but I’ve gotten better. I realized that people don’t try to touch my feet as much when I don’t give them a reaction. So, even though sometimes I feel like freaking out when someone touches my foot or touches me accidently with their foot (totally irrational, I KNOW, but no emotions are ever rational)—on purpose or on accident—I do what I do best: bottle up the reaction and wait for it to be over. Works like a charm 60% of the time all the time.

5. Listen to all of my music.

I am not even close. Remaining optimistic, I think that’s a good problem to have. Music is still my boyfriend.

6. Read my book list. Make a book list.

I made a booklist. Give me a break, I’m a GRADUATE student now. That feels like a worthy excuse.

7. Ballet.

I will never give up on this goal as long as I live. I think I found someone who will actually tutor me, so this goal will rollover to next year.

8. Better sleep schedule.

SUCCESS through and through. I realized (and accepted) that my brain just doesn’t work the way it used to, so my neurologist has given me a magical pill called Ambien. I sleep better and I feel better all around. Huzzah.

9. FHE. Institute. Go.

Luckily Mindy wanted to work on this goal with me; overall we have been seven out of ten times more social in our ward this year in comparison to last year. I don’t really like being social, but I mostly did it to prove that I can. I will continue to attend FHE and Institute next year. It’s made a difference.

To quote 30 Rock, “And meeting someone new? Ugh. All the nodding and smiling and sibling listing. And what's the upside? It works and you have to keep impressing each other? I just wish I could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don't have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business."

the book of love has music in it

2011-12-22T00:52:00.000-08:00

I recommend these songs (I have eleventy hundred more where these came from, these are just songs I have been listening to on repeat as of late). Find. Listen. Love.

the roof is on fire

2011-12-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

Mindy, Natalie, and Natalie’s friend and I went to see the play “Elephant Man” about a month ago. It was an amazing story—it’s true, if you’re not familiar with it and were wondering. As everything unfolded, I was more and more astounded by what we as people are capable of doing to other people that we deem as being unlike us. To the people who knew the “elephant man,” he wasn’t human. So, that made it okay if they beat him and completely demoralized him. This play really gave me a lot to think about. A few other things that stood out to me were the masks they used. The acting company is small, so several of the actors played multiple roles. As the play progressed, they started taking off their masks. To me, it showed an element of vulnerability that they were trying to portray. Another thing that stuck out to me was the analogy one of the main characters used about mirrors. Everyone polished the mirror (the mirror being the elephant man) until he reflected something back that looked like him or her. I think it is more common than not that we do that to other people. Our friend Magarin was in the play, so that’s why we went. I’m glad we did—it was pretty amazing.

As I was getting ready to go to bed the same night of the play, I got a call from Ben (my Elder’s Quorum president). I usually call Ben when someone needs a blessing, but I knew he couldn’t be calling about that since I can’t return that favor, so I wasn’t sure what it would be about. He asked if I was home, and when I responded yes, there was a knock at the door. As I opened the door, there stood Ben and Jake with two bags of groceries in their hands. Yesterday, it was brought to everyone’s attention that things are tight for me financially right now because I opted out of getting a frozen yogurt—I’m just stressed and literally all I think about is money. Seriously, those boys were my angels that night. I have no other way of describing how wonderful it made me feel just to be thought of and that they were so willing to run to my aide. They are incredible examples to me of love and friendship. They live their testimonies. I count them as blessings to know them and to be worthy of their friendship.

Trying to show my gratitude never feels adequate enough, either.

Michelle came over to borrow a movie on Sunday (our downstairs neighbor) and described Ben perfectly. She said that she loves Ben’s voice because his voice sounds genuine. It’s sincere. She said, “It seems that is what his soul would sound like.” And that is so true. They’re just golden. I have a lot of golden people in my life.

I called Wendy because we had talked about me going up to the hospital to spend some time with her while her dad is getting care. My heart broke for her when she told me that her dad passed away last night. I was completely shocked. Everyone knew he wasn’t doing well, but I don’t think anyone expected him to go this soon. All of my prayers are with her and her family. Her dad's funeral was a few Saturdays ago. I made her a CD of music that has helped me through hard times--I felt like that was literally all I had to offer. Even though Wendy is so strong, that doesn't make a loss like this any less hard.

Allie taught her very first lesson on the 20^th. She did a BEAUTIFUL job. That’s the only way to describe her lesson. It was beautiful. It was honest. It was exactly what everyone in that room needed to hear. I am so proud of Allie. Her perspective helps us to see the gospel through new eyes—we forget to look at the gospel through new eyes, so we need people like Allie to open our eyes for us so we can remember what it’s like to see things for the first time. She doesn’t believe me, but she’s inspirational. I know there are at least seven handfuls of people who feel the same way about her. Her lesson was applicable. She was relatable. She taught with so much skill that she doesn’t even realize because all she sees are the things that she could have done better. But really, people put so much effort into trying to teach the way that she did today, and she did it naturally. She says she was nervous and shaking, which I don’t doubt, but the only thing anyone could see from her was confidence and calmness. ALLIE IS SO STRONG. I am just so proud of her, and once again, I am eternally grateful to have her in my life and that I get to call her one of my best friends.

Kim (my boss from the pool) called me on the 22^nd to offer me a position as manager at the indoor pool. It’s amazing how quickly that all came together. I attribute it to paying my tithing. Although I didn’t really want to be at the indoor pool, it’s a job. And I am grateful. And you know what? I love it. I used to feel like I needed a “real” job, or that I should not be content with the pool. But I say screw that because I love working there. I love working there because I love the people I work with. Period.

Ashley texted me later about whether I was coming back to the pool. She told me that she had encouraged Kim to call me because she had read my blog and figured I’d be available with everything that had been going on. She’s my little angel today. Thank the heavens for blogging, right?!

It's nice to be back working somewhere where I can literally change lives. For example, last week a lady approached me in complete distress. "Can I ask you something?" She proceeds to tell me how she never feels like she can breathe when she is swimming laps. I watched her swim and realized she wore a nose plug. I told her to try swimming without the nose plug--blow little bubbles while she swims so that when she turns her head to breathe she is ready to take a breath in. She tried. I literally changed her life with that tid-bit of information. Every day since then she thanks me for helping her so much. "Now when I swim, I praise your name." That's why they pay me the big bucks. That would have never happened at Costco. The most I ever changed someone's life there was when the old ladies were surprised that a girl was sent to help them lift heavy things--then they were equally surprised that I had no trouble lifting heavy things. Breaking one gender norm at a time.

Also, Santa comes to our pool. THE REAL SANTA.

I had thanksgiving a day early with Jenny and friends. We called it Thanksfriending.

I got to see Heidi the Sunday after Thanksgiving. And seeing Heidi was actually really good (I’ll admit, I was a little nervous about going just because I don’t know her or her family all that well). The boys told me all about their snowboarding adventures, and then Heidi, Aaron, and I just sat and talked for a few hours. Aaron and Heidi are so smart. That is always what I think after being around them, “They are just so smart!” I could just sit and enjoy listening to them without saying a peep.

Natalie left on her mission on the 30^th. We already said our hard goodbye last week, so mostly seeing her and saying goodbye again only felt surreal. I SUCK at goodbyes. They always rock my world. I made her cry. In a good way. And I am happy to report that I remained brave and did NOT cry. I wish her all of the best.

I watched my fair share of America’s Next Top Model a few weeks ago when I decided that I wanted to do something mindless. There were certain girls on the show that I didn’t really like very much, but I started to grow to like them (until they threw a temper tantrum and then I remembered that I don’t like them). But there are two girls who stand out to me particularly: Allison and Lisa. They are complete opposites, but I want them both to win for exactly that reason. Allison gives me hope. She is an observer and tends to be more introverted. I find myself rooting for her because she doesn’t throw herself a pity party because certain challenges might be more difficult for her personality type, so instead she just tried to adapt the challenge to make it into something that is within her comfort zone. She pushes herself, and she tries hard. She takes direction, and she improves upon the direction she is given. I think she’s pretty weird, but she really is inspirational. And she doesn’t cause drama. Overall, she shows she is just as capable even though she might have to work a little harder and adapt things differently—she is the main competition.

Lisa, on the other hand, is like a female version of my friend Parker—if she were a good LDS girl, I would want to set the two of them up, but maybe they're too alike and would end up killing each other. Whatever, that's not the point. Although everyone gets kind of annoyed by their attention-seeking behaviors and competitiveness, everyone secretly wishes they could be more like them. She has a charm and a confidence that is infectious. It draws people in. She believes in herself. And yes, I wish I could be more like that. And Lisa is the other main competition. I kind of want Allison to win more, though—she’s the underdog in a sense, and I always want the underdog to come out on top to give hope to the rest of us.

Life lessons from America’s Next Top Model. Who knew? I watch America’s Next Top Model. Who knew?!

I went to the health department after going to the dentist to get my Africa shots. Half of my face was still numb from getting my work done, so my face wasn’t really working. It was amazing to see how people responded to me. I know they all noticed, because they looked at my mouth. But seriously, they were ten times more helpful than they ever would have been if they didn’t feel like they needed to feel sorry for me. I got taken to a separate office and had my shots taken care of by someone in a completely different department. They had to find my shot records that I had faxed, and I know, because I know how people who work in customer service operate, if I hadn’t had a lame face, they would have barely attempted to find my records for me and then say that there wasn’t anything they could do and I would just need to bring in my records instead of trying to fax them. Instead, they tracked them down and gave me the star treatment. It’s a good thing my face didn’t wear off until after I finished getting all of my shots. And boy is my arm going to be sore. But I could care less because I AM GOING TO AFRICA. Tickets purchased and everything. It's happening. Boom.

Last Friday was a busy night. I met up with the 107 gang.  Amy is town, so it was the perfect excuse for all of us to get together.  A lot has changed since we last saw each other—Amy has moved to Oregon and is getting her PhD, Jenny graduated and has a baby, Carly has moved in with her parents while Logan finishes school and she is pregnant, April is on her mission in Portland, and if Whitney had come I’m sure we would have gotten some updates on her life.  I love that all of us can be a part for so long, but when we come back together it doesn’t feel weird.  It’s as if no time has passed and we can pick up right where we left off.  To me, THAT is friendship.

I get the exact same feeling when I'm around Molly and Melinda, too.

Hanging out with everyone was exactly what I needed.  I laughed to the point of tears.  I hate that I cry so easily when I laugh, but it feels oh so good to be laughing so hard that it makes me cry.  That is REAL laughing.  Bffs.

I went with Mindy (a different Mindy—I used to work with her) and Ashley to a Jewish service on Saturday.  We picked a perfect day to go because there were people invited that don’t normally attend, so it was more of an explanatory service.  It was VERY interesting and I learned a lot.  Everyone was very friendly and welcoming.  There was a guy who noticed us (and a girl that we met that was also from BYU visiting) and he came and brought us all programs and made sure we had everything we needed.  There was a lot of chanting—and it was in Hebrew, so we had no idea what was being said.  But the parts that had English translation, or when the Rabbi (who was female) would explain things to us it helped me to see how much more we have in common with them than there is different.  It felt like I got to see my own religion in its purest form.

I almost set my kitchen on fire yesterday.  I was trying to bake cookies for a girl that I visit teach since it was her birthday.  Apparently, I lack in baking practice because I never bake cookies—I always eat the cookie dough before it ever has a chance to be a real cookie.  I open the oven and have a hot pad in my hand so I don’t burn my hands on the cookie sheet.  I managed to burn my hand on the top bar regardless of the safety measures I had taken, so I unintentionally dropped the hot pad onto the burner.  It caught on fire.  I was home alone, and in my panicked mode after seeing what had just happened, I start yelling, “FIRE! FIRE!”  I don’t know who I was yelling to.  I envisioned my house burning down and then got the nerve reach in and grab the flaming hot pad and throw it on the floor.  I stomped out the very threatening flame and just laughed to myself for a solid minute.  I managed to save my house and the cookies.

I said good-bye to Eliza this morning.  She left for the MTC today.  This semester has been so weird.  Everyone needs to stop leaving.  Stop. It.

I got my labs taken for surgery today. Surgery is on Friday. Wish me luck.

pocketful of seeds

2011-11-13T15:37:00.000-08:00

This is going to be long because I have a lot of catching up to do. Take until the end of the year to read it, I'm sure I won't post anything new before then.

I have been feeling really lost and really stuck, and I felt that way for what felt like forever, even though it was probably only actually a day or two. Or forever. Every aspect of my life felt like it was a confusing mess rather than feeling like things were starting to come together. I felt hopeless. I became tired and apathetic and it felt like only a matter of time before I couldn’t keep moving. To quote Phoebe in Wonderland, "Sometimes you think you don't have hope but you keep on anyway. And then you know you have hope."

I decided that the construction that is currently happening in every corner of Utah is a perfect representation of my life right now. I get on a road expecting to get to my destination the way I had planned, but instead, roads are closed, there are detours galore, and it takes me twice as long to get anywhere as a result. I can’t really plan on anything because I don’t even know which routes are accessible to me. I eventually get to where I am going, but not until after a lot of frustration and negative feelings that I have to keep in check so I won’t become the next poster child for road rage. But at least when I get in my car I typically know where I am going or wanting to go. With making all of these major life decisions I felt like I am on my way to a new grocery store with a map of the earth as my guide as I try to decide what to “be” and how I am going to support myself. I don’t know where I am going. But, to keep this positive and upbeat, that's what makes life FUN and such a great adventure. Ug. But really, this is where faith comes in.

The blog called “Hyperbole and a Half” had a fantastic blog that explained the battle of depression in a humorous, but in a very informative way. Check it out, especially if you don't think depression is "real". During all of these recent shenanigans of life, I could definitely relate to what this author was trying to convey.

We will come back to my existential crisis later, alligators.

I had orientation for Costco a few weeks ago. I worked there for about a month, and I’ve already quit. I was going to stick it out for the season because I'm not a quitter, but I got a hernia instead. Although it stinks to have a hernia, I really didn’t mind having to quit Costco. It's just not my thing, and we’ll leave it at that. Although, I loved pushing carts. Really. It feels very satisfying to have an excuse to slam things together. I was badly bruised and sore every day, to the point that I would come home and crawl around because my feet hurt so badly, but it felt so wonderful in the least weird way possible. My roommates love me in spite of my craziness.

Speaking of roommates and being crazy, Natalie leaves on her mission in about two weeks (Natalie isn't crazy, we just act crazy together). I’m going to miss her—she and I have dance parties with ourselves almost every night. I love dancing. I might not have any technical skill, but I love dancing. It just…helps. I’m sure we were quite the sight, but what do we care?! We need to stop caring so much about what other people think in general. So, this is my protest. Dance, dance, dance. I’m going to miss having Natalie to go crazy with.

I watched an unauthorized documentary about Justin Bieber with Natalie a few weeks ago. I liked how when Justin Bieber was asked how he knows how to be so successful with the ladies, his response, “Don’t be a jerk.” That is advice from a famous 16 year-old worth following. I’m a Belieber. Who will I watch Justin Bieber movies with now?!

Eliza leaves on her mission at the end of December. It’s helpful that I knew all along that they are leaving, otherwise I think I would be having a much harder time adjusting to this major change. Although I don’t know Eliza very well, I am going to miss her too. She is one of the most solid people I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

I went with Trevor up the mountains to enjoy the colors while they still lasted. Since Trevor drives an outdoors-y car, we were able to go off in a direction I am unable to take in my Civic. We explored a random field—I was mostly afraid that we would be the subject of the next episode of Bones and find a dead body hidden in some ditch. But, we did not find a body. Instead, we found a great place to have a fire. The colors have gone away, and snow is now blanketing the mountains, but I am really pleased that this winter has been fairly mild in comparison with past winters. Knock on wood.

Here are some pictures I took on a private adventure that I took to Squaw Peak, as well as my adventure with Trevor. I'm pretty proud of them, but I didn't really have anything to do with the colors of the mountains--which is what makes the picture. So all I really did was have decent timing in when I chose to go up the mountain. All of them are on good ole Facebook.

I loved being in the mountains as much as I have been this summer and over the past few weeks, because I can see why in the scriptures mountains are symbolic of the temple of the Lord. I LOVE WORKING AT THE TEMPLE. Love it. After the third week, my new friend Adrienne and I were passed off on everything and they set us loose. Serving in the temple is amazing. I hope everyone has a chance to do it.

I started doing all sorts of family history a few nights ago, and names that I thought I had checked several times before, all of a sudden, there is work that needs to be done on them! I was so excited to find all of these gems of souls on my mom’s side. The first thing I did when I woke up the next day was go to BYU to print the ordinance request form and then head to the temple to print off the cards. I have six male names and five female names. Also, I have two couple cards—they get to be sealed as couples, and then hopefully have their children sealed to them. If there is one thing I love and have a very strong testimony of—it’s temple work. It might be the very thing that sustains my testimony sometimes. I am very grateful that I get to participate in something that I believe so strongly in. I am especially grateful that I can feel what seems to be the excitement of those whose names I am responsible for now. I just want to go do all of their work TODAY! Every time I go to the temple, I am grateful for those who have done their family history that enables me to go. But I always wish I could be doing my own family because then I feel a stronger connection to them. As a result, my new year’s goal for 2012 will be to learn how to do my family history better. I don’t want to wait until I am “old” to pick that up as a hobby, I already feel behind and know that I have lots of work to do. Plus, my patriarchal blessing says I have to.

Returning to my existential crisis, I met with Mom’s friend John not too long ago. He works for the Alumni Association at BYU. He is also the head of the organization that is going to Mali (hopefully everything works out so I can go this time! January!). I really like him, and I am very grateful that he met with me. So many thanks to Mom and her networking skills. He made me feel so much better about everything. I told him everything—and afterwards he told me that he liked the path that I am on. It fits—whether I go into a school setting or non-profit because it’s broad enough training to be able to sell my skills in other settings as well. He really listened to everything I said and was able to reflect it back to me in a way that seemed to make everything clear. He inspired me in the sense that as I sat there with him I kept thinking to myself, “He is the kind of counselor I want to be like.” As a result, I think I will continue to pursue the route I am on. I am still worried and am scared about all the same things that I was before, but I don’t want to experience “paralysis analysis” where I am paralyzed by options. I am going to go boldly in the direction that I choose. That was one thing he brought up that I’m not scared to do, which I had never really though of before, I always thought I was a scaredy pants—it’s been quite the journey to even make the decision that I want to go into school counseling. I have jumped in with both feet to whatever path I had chosen, but when I realized it wasn’t quite for me, I wasn’t afraid to jump back out and try again. “Not everyone is courageous enough to do that,” he said. I have been learning all along the way what I like and don’t like, what my “calling” is and what it isn’t. Thus narrowing down what a good fit for me would be. So that is where I am right now. That is likely to change, but at least I have a bit of peace for now.

In very good news, it looks like I’ll be able to figure out a way to get to go to Africa without having to choose between that or school. Please bless. I am just so excited at the prospect. I was supposed to go last year, but the team fell apart due to some health complications (not mine, surprisingly). So this is the year. Well, 2012 is the year.

I do not have words to express the love that I have for Jenny’s baby, Claire. I am so grateful I finally get to be around a baby that I love and be a part of the everyday experiences of her life. She has just the right smile that seems to melt everything away in that moment. Claire has a gift and she doesn’t even know it yet. She likes redheads (her daddy has red hair, so I have that going for me). I got to spend all day with baby Claire while Jenny got her hair cut by Mindy. It was glorious. We crunched leaves, we went on two drives so she could take a nice nap, and then we met up with Mommy Jenny at Mindy’s hair school to see how her haircut went. It looked great! Mindy is a natural. Afterwards, we went to The Chocolate and got a Cazookie. It was a really simple day, but it felt closer to a perfect day than I have had in a long time.

I had a veg-day with Allie a few weeks ago. During our veg-time, Allie read me scriptures from Ether 12 that she had been reading recently. I love listening to Allie discover scriptures for the first time—it makes me feel like I get to hear them for the first time, too. It’s refreshing. She doesn’t give herself credit enough for how much she knows and how receptive she is. She is an incredible example of faith. We don't give enough credit to ourselves, ever. That's why we have friends to pay credit where it is due.

Also during our downtime, we started texting our pal Josh to ask him why he doesn’t love us enough to come down and visit. One thing led to another, and JOSH CAME DOWN FOR A VISIT. We were so happy. I will sure miss him when he gets married. We went and saw Crazy Stupid Love with Mindy, Allie, Sam, Trevor, Blake, Taylor, and Noah—and of course, Josh and me. The movie was terrible and I would not recommend it, but it was a good group, everyone got along well and we had a lot of fun. Sydnie joined us after the movie at my house. Seriously, my friends are awesome. All of them.

I finished my first class for graduate school, and now I am officially in the program. Our last night of our first class we had to interview our teachers who were pretending to be high school students. The only person I didn’t want to interview was Kevin (our instructor), and let’s guess who I got to interview? Kevin. He tried to make interviewing him harder than necessary, but deciding I didn’t care about the outcome really helped me interview him better. Afterwards, they all told me they really liked how confident I was—I wasn’t thrown by how he was acting (he was swearing and yelling and threatening to kill this kid who looked at his girlfriend) and they were impressed by that. So that felt nice to hear. I got into the program. That also feels nice. I really am grateful. I feel grateful to have the option, and it makes me feel like less of a failure.

I finally got to see Lights (yes, that is her legal name) in concert!!! The day we have all been waiting for. Mostly me. Sam, Allie, and I met up with Josh and his friends at this new venue that she played at in Salt Lake. Her band was stuck in Denver, so she played acoustic. I was actually surprised at how good her voice was, I was expecting to be disappointed because her sound is usually really dub-stepy. And really, I just like Lights a million times more after tonight because as a person, she is really just…good. She’s a great artist and she hasn’t let all of this go to her head, from what I can see anyway. She has strong beliefs and she sticks to them. I liked how she treated the people that she talked to and her demeanor as a whole. She gives good vibes. And the best part was that she played my favorite song as her encore (“Where the Fence is Low”) because Josh and I called it out. She didn’t hear me, but she heard Josh, and then my song got played, so that’s all that matters. There are certain songs that are the soundtrack to specific experiences in my life. My life is complete having heard that song live.

J and Blake came to church with me a few Sundays ago and everyone questioned whether one or both of them were my boyfriend(s). Afterwards, J said what is now my favorite thing that he’s ever said to me, “You need two boyfriends. One that’s Mormon-y and one that’s rock-n-roll. You’ve been trying to the mix the two, and it hasn’t been working.” Best advice I got that day.

Institute was EXTRAORDINARILY good last week. I go to institute this year because I set it as a new year’s resolution that I would. Along with the goal to be more involved in my ward and going to FHE. We have all been very good at keeping that goal—but I still feel the same way about it all. But like I said, this week was excellent and made all year worth it. Sister Phillips taught about trials, and it was exactly the hour and a half of relief that I needed with a momentary perspective. These moments never seem to last long, but it’s like getting my gas-tank refilled—it at least gets me to be able to continue long enough until the next gas station. We talked about the purpose of trials. I haven’t felt lately that my relationship with the Savior has been getting stronger—but I realized I just haven’t been able to see HOW it’s getting stronger quite yet because I’m not over my hill to be able to see the perspective I have gained. We talked about our need for control and how that adds to the trials we have because we aren’t able to SUBMIT and SURRENDER (scary words that instinctively we fight against). In short, we just can’t quite trust.

She emphasized the importance of the Lord’s timing and how His timing is definitely not our timing, so it never works to tell Him, “Okay, I’m done with this lesson, I’ve learned what I am supposed to learn.” She emphasized the importance of not kicking against our trial, because either way, we’re going to have to go through it. She asked the question that no one was able to answer for what felt like the entire class there was a quote about how the Atonement can help us in unfair situations. It wasn’t until someone quoted Preach My Gospel where it says that all that is unfair about life can be made RIGHT. Not that it will be made fair. And not even that it will be made right…right now. That is where hopes come in. We have to attach ourselves to that promise in order to feel even a sense of peace in the middle of our refiner’s fire.

At the end, she played a song called “Beautiful Heartbreak” by Hilary Weeks, and boy did I feel a lump growing in my throat. Stop judging right this instant, I don't care that it's cheesy LDS music, the message was pretty powerful. The song really touched me because I thought about what a difference it would make if we could see each other’s “signs”. I bet we’d all be a lot more compassionate and patient with each other.

Mindy wrote something in her blog that is also something I have been thinking about and goes along with this lesson from institute, but I’m going to use what she wrote because she takes a lot of what I have been thinking about and she says it better,

“So, hope has really been on my mind as of late. I had a really beautiful experience a few days ago. I was on my way home from school and just had a lot on my mind about life and why things do and don't happen and I was trying to make sense of things that weren't making sense, blah blah blah. So, I had the thought to go to the temple. I didn't have time to do a session so I just parked my car and pondered. I was parked by some trees and I looked over to see the temple but I couldn't really see it. The trees were blocking my view. It seemed like the temple was hidden. I looked closer and I could see parts of the temple. There was light coming through the trees. It wasn't so hidden after all. It was still there. Sometimes it feels like hope is non existent or that He isn't there. Sometimes our view seems to be blocked or that something great is being hidden. The great is there, sometimes we just have to look more closely. I know that He is always there. Even when it might feel like He's not. He is. Hope is a beautiful thing. Hope is real. Christ provides that hope for something great. He provides that light to remind us of the great that's ahead, and sometimes just around the corner. I will hold on hope. He is hope.”

I went to the temple on Thursday to start some of the names that I recently discovered needed work done for them. Here is what I wrote in my temple book:

Today’s temple trip was very meaningful for me. I recently found some family who needed work done—just when I thought all the names we knew of had been finished! I did work for Rhoda Dupree—and I hope she was as excited about it as I was. She’s on my mom’s father’s side. When I left for the temple today, I realized I hadn’t brought her husband’s name with me, so I turned my car around to go get his name. It was as if I felt the words, ‘I can’t go without him!’ It’s interesting to me the connection I feel with my family—there is an undeniable connection, and it is especially strong with my deceased family members. Especially my brother Marc. Maybe we have something in common and that’s why we’re so connected.

I am grateful for the strength and peace that comes from temple attendance. There are a lot of things I am unsure of and knowledge that I lack, but one thing I know: the blessings of going to the temple are real. I think my testimony always boils back to that.

So, 11.11.11. At 11am on 11.11.11, I went to the dentist. It was a dream come true. Definitely a time to remember. I left with swollen gums and a long list of things I need to come back for.

The Avocottage had Open Mic night on 11.11.11. At 11:11pm on 11.11.11 everyone shouted as if the ball dropped in Times Square. Is it annoying how many times I've written 11.11.11? That's how I felt on 11.11.11 when I signed onto Facebook. So, I suppose I can say that I did celebrate somehow on this epic day of 1’s. I won’t have to be ashamed of my homebody personality when someone from the future demands to know how I spent such an historic day. We had a mini-mission reunion at Open Mic. Mindy and I were there of course; Scheer, Beeston, Gertsch, Barrus, and Blake all came. BMW forever.

And the world spins madly on.

what to be or not to be? that is THE question

2011-10-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

The 27^th was the first official night of class. Again, I left with incredibly mixed feelings. At some points I would get really excited about the prospect of being in class and the thought of being a school counselor. Then at other points I would be flooded with questions and concerns about whether this was really what I wanted to do. I just leave not knowing what to think or how to discern what I'm feeling and to make sense of what I am thinking.

I am exhausted from trying to figure it out. I know it’s probably one of those “It’s your decision” things that God gives us so we can grow and all that, but anything that I decide never STAYS feeling right. I need something to be consistent. Right now, everything just feels FORCED (whether it’s my own pressure or society or the culture of Provo or the fear of not living up to my potential) and nothing feels RIGHT. Am I just feeling pressured into this? Or is this what I want?

The only thing I come out of this thinking is that I want to live somewhere where I can have a pet. But that doesn't help me answer my question of stay in school? Or not to stay in school?

On the 29^th I got a random text from Suzanne (she manages the indoor pool) asking if I could meet her for lunch. I met her and her daughter, Dixie, for lunch at Café Rio. She offered me her position while she is on maternity leave. Wow! I’m honored. Well, at least I know I’ll have a job for about a month. If Costco comes through, it will be perfect! I’ll be able to work at Costco until it’s time to work at the pool since both are temporary. I’m crossing all of my fingers, toes, and t’s that it works out.

I had my job interview at Costco last Tuesday. I even made a friend during the interview process—I am pretty sure she got the job, as well. I hope so, anyway. After getting the job, I learned something about myself. I have serious commitment issues. My mind was flooded with paranoia after I accepted the position, “Well, what if I can get offered a free trip Uganda? —I’ll be working, so I can’t go.” Just a bunch of ridiculous “What if’s?” flooded my mind feeling like there are going to be so many opportunities I will have to miss out on because I will be tied down to working. This is something I go through anytime I start a new job. Or even when I start an old job—I feel this way every summer when I start at the pool. Oh the things my brain comes up with. But really, I have commitment issues. But, I got the job! It’s seasonal, so it will end in January or so just in time to start at the indoor pool. My prayer is now: That I won’t hate it, that I won’t have to quit working at the temple, that I won’t have to work lots of Sundays. Still crossing all of my fingers, toes, and t's.

I also hope there will be a way that I can stay at Costco part-time (assuming I don't hate it) while I’m back at the pool so I can have benefits and work again full-time next year when the holiday season picks up.

Mindy and I went to our mission reunion the Friday before conference. This mission reunion felt so different than the others because everyone felt more relaxed and everything felt less cliquey. I think we are all better adjusted to being home, so everything felt less weird as a result. Sitting in the chapel listening to President give us some more counsel and guidance made me miss being a missionary so much it made my heart ache. There is no bond like the one that is formed with your mission family. I am FOREVER grateful for my mission, for the experiences that I had while I was a missionary, and for the people I got to share those experiences with--they taught me more than I got to teach them. I will never be able to express how deep my gratitude flows inside of me. It is my blood.

Conference was amazing. I am so grateful that I have had so many opportunities to go to conference—I want to be able to soak up as much time as I can to where I can take advantage of having prophets and apostles in the same room. I will never forget walking into the conference center and seeing Allie’s face light up as she saw the tabernacle for the first time in her life. That is a priceless gift that I got to be there for her first experience at conference. This conference marks the two-year anniversary of Allie’s baptism. I wasn’t able to be at her baptism, but I plan on being there for every other milestone in her life. I wish I could be there for every milestone in everyone’s lives that I had the privilege of knowing as a missionary. Money really stinks when you don't have any.

Needless to say, again, conference was perfect. Allie leaned over after having a chance to soak up the fact that we were in the same room as the prophets and apostles that Christ has called for our day and said, “We are so lucky.” We are. And I am so grateful. I am also so grateful that I have so many people in my life who feel the same way about the gospel as I do—who make it their center. I am grateful for the love that I can see and feel from them and the examples they are. I love the gospel so much. I love it. I am so grateful for it. It is my everything. I will never be able to explain how deep my gratitude is and how strong my love continues to grow. Just when I think it isn’t possible to feel any more strongly, I do. This church means everything to me, and I would never give that up for anything. I hate when conference is over—it’s like saying goodbye to a best friend for a long period of time.

I ate dinner at Liz’s house after Sunday conference. The funniest thing happened while I was there. There was a group of boys there that I had never met before. When I came in and sat down by Liz, she introduced me to them but only introduced them as “the guys,” so I asked what their names were. One of the guys, who reminded me so much of Nick Snow, added at the end, “And we’re single.” Later, when I was trying to squeeze past him to get a fork, I asked him to excuse me for reaching over him, to which he replied, “You can do a whole lot more than that.” Wow. I take that as a compliment, I guess. He needs to work on his pick up lines a bit.

In big news, my first born in the wilderness, Sister Fina Aina, sealed the deal in the Bountiful temple on the 7th. I am so happy for her. Her sealing ceremony was beautiful, and she looked radiant. She was a fabulous companion to me, and I am sure her new eternal companion will agree that she is the best of the best and that he is extremely lucky to have her as such. I wish them all of the happiness in the world.

I had my first shift at the temple last Saturday. I went in with all sorts of mixed feelings, like, what if I don’t like it? What if I’m not good at it? What if it’s too much to learn and remember? And it was a lot. There is so much work that goes into running and operating a temple. I am so grateful that I get to be a part of it all. I was grateful to be a patron, but I am so grateful to get to be a worker. It is great to feel like I am involved in something that I really believe in—something that is really fulfilling.

I can’t even explain how wonderful it was. I just felt pure joy coursing through my veins. There is still a lot that overwhelms me and a lot that I don’t know how to do, but I already got to do so much on my first day that I am only excited about what else could lie ahead. I feel like this is a good balance of stretching myself with experiences that are outside of my comfort zone and those experiences help to build my confidence that I can not only do hard things, but NEW things.

Last week was miserably cold, but this week’s weather has been PERFECT. Every single day it has made my wish for a functioning bicycle stronger and stronger. I love riding a bike, and I love happy weather. So naturally, I want to be able to ride a bike in happy weather. I was so worried that winter would be here to stay after the cold front that moved in and covered the tips of our mountains with snow. But alas, fall is here.

I love life. Most of the time.

i think i can, i think i can, i think i can

2011-09-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

‎"No one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us - insecurities, anxieties, poor self-image, and all. He doesn't measure our talents or our looks; He doesn't measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other." Jeffrey R. Holland.

I went climbing with J a few weeks ago. I am going to be sad when it gets to be too cold to climb anymore. We climbed the tallest wall that I have ever climbed. It was interesting because even though I knew I was roped in, I knew I had to be extra focused to not let any negative thoughts come in that would affect how I climbed or whether I would even be able to complete the climb. I kept telling myself, “This is easy, this is so easy.” That’s how life is sometimes. We have to think really hard about what we think about.

This applied to something that went on in my brain a few days later, here is a quote from my journal, "I don’t really know how to explain how I am feeling right now. I came onto campus to print some things off, and I felt a twinge as if I missed BYU. How could that be possible? I never liked BYU. I only ever felt like a number there. I felt frustrated. I felt small and incapable. I think Kara was right, she always told me that someday I’d look back and miss it. It’s not BYU that I miss, though. But looking back, there was always so much that you could do, that I never knew what I should do. I guess that is one reason why I want to be a school counselor. People miss out on a lot of opportunities because we don't know where to look for them, or we just don't know that they are even there. I wish I could go back and tell myself to take classes that weren’t necessarily related to my major but would help me with life. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I shouldn't feel like I am in a hurry. I always felt like I was in a race to finish, but I didn't know what I was racing for. I wish that I could go back and tell myself why some of my favorite classes were my favorite classes. I left those classes feeling like there was so much I was capable of. All of those classes are much harder than what I normally think I am capable of--like, acing statistics!? ME?! They taught me that I can do hard things.

Last Tuesday was my first night of class for my graduate program, and I left with mixed feelings. I have been battling with how I have been feeling about starting school since I graduated from BYU. I am scared. I am scared of failing. I don’t know that I could take that. I believe that I am capable of what will be required of me, because I have basically done this all before, I just have to do it again. I know it will be hard. I know I will have a heavy workload. I am scared of the commitment. I am scared of the voices in my head that tell me that it will be too much and that I won’t be able to prove myself—I am scared that those voices will be right. I am scared that I will listen to those voices and that I will pull back before even trying. I am just scared. I am scared of trying and I am scared of not trying."

I guess I have been feeling overwhelmed with the idea of graduate school, and that is a good reminder to have—that I can do hard things. I just need to focus my thoughts, like when I rock climb.

Sister Shumway, who took Mindy and me out on weekly exchanges when we served in the Colleyville area, asked me to babysit her girls a couple of Thursdays ago (she moved to Utah). It was only for a few hours, and I love her girls, so of course I said yes. Her youngest, Tanner (a boy), was extremely unhappy. But I followed Supernanny’s remedies and he eventually fell asleep. Supernanny is right about everything, I have decided. I have also learned one of my new favorite things besides reading kids stories while they snuggle up to me is carrying kids to bed once they fall asleep. It’s the best.

It was the moment Allie has been waiting for since last year—it was her birthday on the nineteenth! Allie loves her birthday almost as much as she loves cats.

We met at Los Hermanos and I think everyone had a great time. Allie had a great turnout! Clint, Matt, Sydnie, Holly, Sam, Blake, Ashley, Lance, Angenelle and her boyfriend, Mindy, and Melinda were all in attendance. I hope she felt loved and special. To end the evening, we watched “Elf” in the backyard of the Avocottage on a projector. That was fun and different. I really hope Allie was happy with her birthday and that she can look back on this day and remember how many people love her.

Mindy found a song that is oh so perfect for our situations lately. It is by the Beatles, “What Goes On”. It is perfect. And you know what I figured out? It’s the boys with v-necks that are the problem. I’m glad to have this sifting technique now.

We had a party on Friday. We called it our house-cooling party. It's cooling because it's fall and things are cooling down instead of warming up--in case you didn't know that is what happens during the fall. I think the party went well. I think everyone who came had a lot of fun. I am mostly grateful people came! Let’s see if I can remember who came…John (Little Brother Weir), Liz, Lydia, Blake, Skidmore, Marni, Paul, Brittany, J, Levi, Taylor, Alyssa, Ben, Kris, Trevor, Nate…and then a bunch of other people that Natalie knows. It was a good turnout! We had a dance party outside, we had a dance game inside ("Just Dance" on the Wii is the best ice-breaker known to man), and on a projector we had the Cosby show playing. See, that is funny because we live in the "Cheers" house, and we were playing the Cosby show, not cheers.

Saturday morning J and I we went to Bishop Klein’s for a visit. Careen was in town, and so we got to spend the morning with her. I finally got to meet her famous Dylan—every post on her blog is about Mr. Dylan. And he is just as adorable in person, I am happy that I finally got to meet him. I was beginning to wonder if I ever would. Also, it was great to see Careen. I loved having her as a roommate. She is beautiful, intelligent, and just all-around wonderful to be around. I am grateful to have her in my life. Her mom was there, too. I haven’t seen her since the Christmas I spent with their family. So many memories!

Mindy needed a model on Saturday to practice some foil technique on. So, she lightened my hair. Mindy did a fantastic job. It is good to see Mindy in a place where she feels like she belongs—she is in a place where she can succeed because this is a thing that she is good at. It feels good to have a place like that, and I am happy for her to have found it! And it was my pleasure to let her practice on me. I can’t imagine a better way to spend four hours than to have someone play with my hair the whole time. I was in heaven.

We went to our friend's open mic night Saturday night at the Avocottage. Open mic nights are just so fun because of the energy that people bring. We all get to sing together and share in the beauty that is making music. Natalie sang the song that she wrote about Mindy and me. She did a fantastic job. Singing in front of people is a very brave thing to do, and I am grateful for the people who are brave enough to share their talents, because music helps me so much.

Here is her song, by Natalie Raines:

Cold hearts on a Winter day lament the face of spring
Resisting change, what’ere it be, and what the sun will bring
Unless you rest a bit, my dear, you’ll never find your way
A mark, a scar, is what you are-- but never on display
Sometimes I wish I’d never known
Sometimes I wish I’d never known
Be it jade, it shatters.
Be it gold, it breaks.
Be it jade, it shatters.
Be it gold, it breaks.
Sweet and sighing, warm as rain. A pleasant, gentle bird.
Throughout the night, in unseen flight; a humble cry was heard
Demure, reserved, but never weak; a catalyst of care
And everyday discovering just what is hidden there
Sometimes you’d wish I’d never known
Sometimes you’d wish I’d never known
Be it jade, it shatters.
Be it gold, it breaks.
Be it jade, it shatters.
Be it gold, it breaks.

I forgot to mention the happiest piece of mail that I have gotten since my mission call! Sunday, when I went over to let Casey into my old apartment, she gave me some mail that had accumulated at their house. Usually, it is nothing of consequence. However, this time, I had a letter from the church. As I opened it I joked that it was going to be another mission call and that I would probably throw up if that ever happened. I pulled out the letter and read that I have been recommended to serve in the Provo Temple! I literally almost cried tears of joy. I have wanted to work in the temple since I got home from my mission, and now that dream is coming true! I am so happy.

I opened with a quote from Elder Holland, so I will end with a quote from Elder Holland. "To those who stagger or stumble, [Christ] is there to steady and strengthen us. In the end He is there to save us, and for all this He gave His life. However dim our days may seem they have been darker for the Savior of the world. In fact, in a resurrected, otherwise perfected body, our Lord of this sacrament table has chosen to retain for the benefit of his disciples the wounds in His hands and His feet and His side--signs, if you will, that painful things happen even to the pure and perfect. Signs, if you will, that pain in this world is not evidence that God doesn't love you. It is the wounded Christ who is the captain of our soul--He who yet bears the scars of sacrifice, the lesions of love and humility and forgiveness. Those wounds are what He invites young and old, then and now, to step forward and see and feel."

cheers to that

2011-08-31T14:36:00.000-07:00

The summer season is coming to an end, which means my happiness is coming to an end as well. Labor Day is my last day at the pool until next summer. Blink, blink. Where did the time go?

I start school next week, and hopefully I'll get a job to one of the hand full of places that I have applied and continue to apply. So, I'm not worried about keeping myself busy.

Also, I have moved and am back in good ol' P-Town. We live in a house that is affectionately known as the Cheers house. Where everybody knows your name.

The house itself was super disgusting when we moved in. Someone even got a staph infection (she moved out). But, we have cleaned every surface possible, and now the house feels like a happy place to be. It has a lot of character, and I think it suits all of our personalities very nicely. Ask Mindy about the rounded ceilings.

This little gem was found in the mess we got to sift through. Awesome.

There are only three of us in the house thus far. Hopefully it stays that way. Mindy and I are roommates still--together forever. We are also living with our friend Natalie. We met Natalie through her boyfriend, Austin. Austin and Alex were our home-teachers. Except, they were actually only Mindy's home-teachers, they just adopted the rest of us (Molly and Melinda included) because we're all a package deal. They were some of the best home-teachers I've ever had. I know Heavenly Father placed them in our lives for a reason, and I am forever grateful and honored that we had the chance to get to know them. They are both converts, and we would have some of the best visits. We just became friends! I look forward to being friends with them for...forever. We had a fire for Austin a few weeks ago as his good-bye, he's on a mission now in England! Alex is also working on his mission papers. I cannot even express how happy I am for those two. They are both going to make amazing missionaries--and those missions who get to have them are EXTREMELY blessed. So, we are trying to take good care of Natalie while Austin is gone. She leaves on a mission in November (Rochester, New York), so we have to soak up the time we have with her while we have it. Time always sneaks away without realizing where it went.

It's nice to be back in Provo because all of my friends are back from wherever the summer took them. If it weren't for the friends I have and love, I would not be sticking around in Provo. The land that I don't love. And so many NEW people that I know and love are here--Allie and Liz from Texas have moved here permanently. It is a happy valley for me now with everyone back.

And of course, the moment we have all been waiting for, the family reunion came and went all too quickly. I got into Charleston around 10am on Saturday the 6th. We had a few hours to kill after my arrival. The rest of the Johnston clan was scheduled to meet us at Costco a few hours later. It was too hot to just sit outside even if we were in the shade (ahhh, humidity), so we went to Costco for a few hours BEFORE the few hours that we spent once everyone got there. At first, I wiggled myself between two crates to watch a movie. I was too tired to even make myself sit up (seeing how I had a red-eye flight), so I decided to look for the furniture. I found a couch and I fell into it without any hesitation. A man came over after I had taken up camp and brought me a GIANT teddy bear. By giant, I mean g.i.a.n.t. It was taller and bigger than my father. He placed the bear next to me and said, “Here you go, ma’am.” Thank you for the oversized bear, good sir. I must have had, “I want a cuddle buddy” written all over my face unbeknownst to me.

It didn’t take long for me to accept this southern gesture of kindness and fall asleep. I was the talk of Costco—I would wake up in hazy confusion to people discussing how funny it was that there was a person ACTUALLY asleep with a giant teddy bear. “Is she for sale?” I was too tired to care and continued to sleep. I should have gotten paid for advertising—everyone wanted the couch and the bear after seeing how comfortable and happily asleep I was. I slept on that couch in Costco for about an hour and a half. I felt bad just leaving the bear afterwards, I didn’t want his feelings to be hurt that I was just using him for his cushy body. But we parted ways, and I hope he finds himself a good pal who can make him feel loved for the rest of his stuffed animal life.

I was so happy to be on the beach. There is just something about the beach that fills me with peace and happiness. Water is definitely my element. And I like my family. A lot. So beach plus family equals happy happy happy.

It was a wonderful predicament to have in the morning here—should I start the day at the beach? Should I start the day at the pool? Should I roll over and just keep sleeping? Decisions, decisions.

The only downside at first was that I got so much sand in my swimsuit bottoms. I don’t mean in the bottoms to where it can just wash out when I rinse my suit out, I mean IN my swimsuit. I felt like I was walking around with a dirty diaper. I'm glad I don't have to wear diapers anymore because it was really uncomfortable. The sand will never ever come out unless I cut my lining open—which I am going to have to because walking around with lumps in my swimsuit is a little unbecoming of a 25 year-old. And I am all about being becoming, as we all know.

Monday was the first real day that we got to spend at the beach seeing as how Saturday was the arrival day and Sunday was, well, Sunday. By the time Allie and I dragged ourselves out of bed, fell into our swimsuits, and walked the long treacherous hike to the beach, ten individuals from my family had already been stung by jellyfish. Ten. The next day, Jonathan had his toe almost pinched off by a crab. The next day, Eric thought he spotted a shark. Needless to say, I think this was my family's first and last trip to South Carolina.

I had to leave a day early because Melinda's wedding was on the 13th. Her sealing was beautiful—SHE was beautiful. I get anxious just thinking about being the one sitting at the altar. I can’t even imagine making that kind of a decision. But maybe it’s the easiest hard decision to make in your life and I just get anxious because I haven’t met “the one” who will take the anxiety away. Until then, anxiety filled I will remain.

The reception was, well, a reception. We stayed the whole time and helped entertain people. We were probably more entertaining to ourselves than we were to other people. We DEFINITELY entertained everyone when I beat up Mindy for the bouquet. This is probably one of my top three most embarrassing moments of my life. No one ever likes catching the bouquet, so I usually over-compensate for everyone’s lack of vigor by pretending to be really into it. I get right in the front and pretend to block everyone. When the bouquet is thrown, I don’t really try very hard to catch it. But today, as I was bringing my arms back down, Mindy had moved over to try and catch it and I elbowed her in the face SO hard. I was deeply concerned that I had given her a concussion. To top this moment off, the photographer caught the EXACT moment that my elbow met her face. Her face has pain written all over it and my face has surprise and horror written all over it. I felt SO bad. I am happy to report that she is fine and has no lingering issues. Obviously it was an accident, but I still felt bad. That’s the last time I try and get everyone excited for the bouquet toss! I don’t want to kill anyone and I definitely don’t want it to appear that I wanted to catch it badly enough to hurt my very best friend.

I miss climbing. Thankfully, I've been able to pick that up again these past few weeks. I miss being good at climbing. Rock climbing is just so true to life. You know it's going to hurt, but you just have to keep going. J is my climbing partner. I love J. He just wants to make people feel good. He’s like Bishop Klein. I absolutely need to find someone who sees me the way J does. Because I don’t even see me the way J sees me.

JOSH CAME HOME on the 19th! I can’t even say how excited I have been—from the moment he left—for him to come home. He’s back. And even though he’s still two hours away, that is much more manageable than being 2,000 miles away. Josh is pretty golden, and I'm grateful I have him as a buddy ol' pal.

MINDY’S BIRTHDAY was on the 23rd. She's 25 years young. Twenty-five was a weird age to turn, and I think Mindy felt the same way. I am so grateful that I made so many extra dinners for the fire we did for her party because we had an AMAZING turnout. I really hope Mindy felt as special and loved as she is and how she deserves to feel every single day of her life. I am so grateful for her. My words to describe my gratitude for her friendship will never ever do her justice. Just know I consider myself very blessed to have a friend like her. She's golden. She is one of the most beautiful people I know--inside and out. And it's her INSIDE beauty that makes her so beautiful on the outside.

I went to Seven Peaks with Jenny, Chris, Meghann, Blake and Casey a few days ago. Blake and Casey went off and did their own thing, and I took turns swimming with babies so that mommies could go off of the rides. I couldn’t have done anything more enjoyable to me. I love those babies. And I love that those babies love the water.

(Hartley North)

So for the past few days—or lifetime—I have been struggling to know how to be “myself”. I never really seem to know what that is. How can I be myself all the time if I don’t even really know what that entails? I don't think I am unique in feeling this way. I think I have a pretty good handle on who I am, but there is always more to learn. I don't just want to be a social chameleon and adapt and become whoever I am around. Of course there will be different times and circumstances that bring out different facets of my personality, but I wanted to be sure I wasn’t just molding to whatever is around me. I set a goal this year to know myself better. I wanted to know what I like and don’t like. I wanted to know how I am and how I am not. But I knew that the way I would really be able to know myself better would only come after I learned more about the Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost. I read the book called, “You Are Special” about the Wimmecks just the other day, and it got me thinking about the stars and dots that I let people stick on me. But what I really should be focusing on is what Heavenly Father thinks of me—then those stars and dots won’t stick because I will give them no power.

During sacrament I learned more of who I am. I AM…I am quick to forgive, I am patient (except in traffic or with flies that buzz around my head), I am happy, I am concerned about others and how they feel, I am helpful, I am one who tries to help others see themselves in the best light and feel GOOD when they are around me, I am one who likes to be outside myself and WITH people, I like people and I can handle whatever their problems are, I am NOT concerned with competing—either about looks or gadgets, I am confident because I know where my strengths come from, I am funny (sometimes), and I am someone who doesn't take myself too seriously. I am NOT perfect. There is an even longer list of things that I am that I wish I wasn't. And I am definitely not perfect at any of those characteristics that I just listed. I am NOT a quitter, either. I know I have lots of growing room, and I will continue to do my best because that is what I know how to do. THAT is who I am. And if I am not feeling that, something is off. I am very grateful for the experiences that I have been having recently that have been helping me to be open to learning these lessons that Heavenly Father is probably constantly trying to teach me. Trials are so needed. They break me to build me. I am grateful Heavenly Father loves me enough to allow that to happen.

To sum up, life is still good. It is oh so good. God is good. And my happiness won't end with the summer. "In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

dethroning 2004

2011-08-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

Well, my last post was in June. Insert likely excuses here. The reigning champion of "best summer" has been the summer of 2004--I have had lots of fun summers and fun experiences since that summer, but there has always been something intangible about the summer of 2004 that kept it in the lead of best summer ever. I am happy to report that this year is threatening to contend for that title. Finally. Let me prove that I've been doing stuff:

The pool opened a month late. But, we opened. So now I am happy and busy. Except I'm not happy when I have to deal with people who are less mature than their children. But that's the name of the game I play. On the bright side, we have fancy rock walls to make up for not having a slide this year. It was invisible at first, but now they are finally here.

This is from the indoor/outdoor games I planned. My staff dominated. Naturally. I am so proud of them.

I am ashamed to admit I have watched several Bachelorette episodes. The Bentley character is a real tool--what is even better is that he is from my home stake of Tampa, Florida. President Williams, remember him? Yeah, that's his son. Way to represent, Bentley. I hear there is no such thing as bad publicity...

I went to the Utah Arts Festival with my good ol' pal Trevor. It was artsy. There are many reasons why Utah is not my favorite place--but I'm hating Utah less and less. The reasons I like Utah are outweighing the reasons I don't like Utah. That only took six years. Hence me staying here voluntarily. There is always much to do here and I am taking advantage of it more and more.

Yes, that is yarn covering a Mini Cooper. At least that person has a hobby, I suppose.

I have a Seven Peaks pass. Seven Peaks STINKS. Literally. I love going because a bunch of my friends and I have passes, but it is the stinkiest park I have ever been to. I'm getting to the point where I might get some really rad looking water shoes that will make me look like an 80 year-old tourist so my feet never have to touch their floor--I know too much about pool floors to trust that they take the necessary precautions to actually clean the floors very well. Plus, I don't work there so they CAN'T be THAT clean.

I am going to University of Phoenix for graduate school--they have a Pleasant Grove campus. I start in the middle of September. I'm excited and I know it's the right place for me to be right now. I am also excited because I simply cannot tear myself away from my high school friends (no, not the people I knew from high school, but my friends that are in high school right now--that equals my entire staff--they keep me young).

Meghann and Jenny have both had babies just a few weeks apart, and have both had baby blessings. I look forward to a long life of being Auntie Shtepsies/PJ and being their FAVORITE aunt. Both of the babies are totally going to be red heads, so we will immediately have that connection going for us. I am grateful to get to be a part of watching them grow up from the very beginning of their lives. I can't wait to see who they become!

Hartley North Shane.

Claire Regine Axelgard. AKA: Jepranie.

This has been the summer of concerts--for free or for mostly free. Every Thursday night I go with some new friends to the Twilight Concert series held in Salt Lake. We've seen Explosions in the Sky, The Decemberists, and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes thus far. I'm sacrificing Bright Eyes to go to the family reunion--family first. Those evenings always make for a good time of watching drunk people climb trees, smoke pot, and spill their beer on us.

Twilight Concert crowd.

Our friends had a show at five in the morning for a 4th of July Celebration put on by a local venue. So, because Mindy and I are crazy and insist on shortening our lives due to lack of sleep, we went.

The show was not boring, we were just sleepy.

Our really cool friends. They are always that color.

Finally, I have watched all of the Lord of the Rings.

I was so tired when my alarm went off at 4:45 on the morning of Lifeguard Games. Our team has been training all summer, so I was ready for it to be over. Of course, as the alarm pulled me out of my happy slumber I vowed to myself to never volunteer for lifeguard games ever again. Just like last year, I ended up being so glad that I got to be a part of this. I loved getting to watch everyone—I wish I could do more for my awesome staff to reward them, to create positive experiences for them, and memories for them to look back on. That is my main motivation and reason for staying at the pool—I know this is a special time of life for these kids and I want to help create those memories like I get to have. Those memories I have from working at the pool keep me warm when things seem to get lonely.

Four of my amazingly wonderful lifesavers out of twenty-two.

This has also been the summer of visitors. I've had several of my favorite Texans grace me with their presence in Utah--Allie, Allie's mama (Missy), Jill, Danielle, and Kristen. It has been an honor to have them visit and to get to share a bit of my Utah life with them. Large chunks of my heart will always be in Texas. I've considered hiding all of their keys so they have to stay here with me...but at least I get to keep one of them. Allie has moved to Utah indefinitely! Now I just have to get the rest of them here.

We walked on the moon.

Favorite temple and favorite people--Jill and Danielle.

Mindy started hair school. She gets to be gothic and wear black all the time. But sometimes white because it's summer. I am so happy for her--it's been a long road of deciding what she wants to do and trying to feel good about where she needs to be (we've been on the same road). I'm glad she found something that gives her that peace she has been looking for. It's perfect for her. She's going to be a great example to those around her and a blessing for everyone she gets to work with. She will help everyone to feel their beauty from the inside out.

The past week has been a week of unconventional miracles...

The first miracle started back a few months ago when my stuff ended up in El Paso. It wasn't a miracle then, but it is a miracle now. Heavenly Father is so mindful of our circumstances, and it's little things like what happened this week that show how much Heavenly Father sees the end from the beginning and is willing and WANTS to bless us accordingly--and that He cares. If it is important to us, it is important to Him. There are things that happen to us that often don't make sense while they are happening, but with time and patience, we can learn the meaning and purpose behind the experience.

As I mentioned, my things that were being stored in my most beloved Melinda's basement were accidentally taken to El Paso a few months ago.

Earlier this week, I was going to take Danielle and Jill on a hike. Unfortunately, it stormed so badly that we couldn’t go hike for fear of getting struck by lightning. Instead, we decided to go watch a movie because that seemed like the safer option. I took Danielle and Jill to Café Rio--a staple of Utah. On our way to the restaurant, I drove through a lake of water that had collected in the parking lot. No exaggeration, the water was up to my car doors. That was a pleasant surprise. I guess I had mentioned that I wanted to go boating this summer and that jinxed me. When we left Café Rio to go to the movie theater, my check engine light was on and my car wouldn’t accelerate and it sputtered like a jet ski sounds in the water. My friend Morgan called me right as I was discovering my malfunctioning car--so Morgan was another mini miracle within the evening (he kindly took us all home at the end of all these shinanagins). He told me he wanted to come to the movie but couldn’t because Campus Lane’s basements all flooded. Flooded?! Some of my stuff is still in Melinda's basement. I dropped Danielle and Jill off at the movie and then met Morgan at the apartments. I went into Courtney and Casey’s first to make sure everything was okay. Then, I waited for Melinda to get there with her key. There was so much stuff in her basement—I don’t think most of it is RUINED, but there was lots affected by the water. For me, my clothes and shoes were soaked with the poo water. We moved everything outside and upstairs. The entire time I kept thinking about what a miracle this situation turned out to be—my journals, the ONLY thing that I can’t replace, were the things that got taken to El Paso. At the time, it seemed like a huge inconvenience, but it turns out that they are safer there. Really. Miracle. And pictures to come.

The second miracle happened on Friday. I got an email from Frontier Airlines indicating there has been a change to mine and Allie’s flight. I got an email saying the same thing last week, and I ignored it. So, I checked it out to see if it was a change by just a few minutes to the departure or something along those lines. I looked at the itinerary, and the time has changed, but so has my departing city. Instead of leaving from South Carolina, we are leaving from…Nebraska. Blink, blink. How does that even happen?! So I called the airline and they tried to tell me they can’t refund me, “But you changed my departing city and I won’t even be anywhere near that state.” So, due to the schedule change, they are refunding Allie and me in full because it didn’t work for our schedule. Gee thanks, Frontier. Now we have flights to purchase still. But it was a miracle because had they not emailed me about the time change, I never would have known that they had us scheduled out of the entirely wrong state—that would have been an interesting predicament to say the least. I guess we're moving to South Carolina!

roll away your stone, i'll roll away mine

2011-06-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

I love my life. Here is why:

Last Sunday was interesting. All I wanted to do was meet this baby of Jenny and Chris's, but my body had other plans for me—apparently the plan was to give me sympathy pains for Jenny being in labor.

Starting that morning, I started to have the same pains that started back in March. I have been having difficulty urinating—it’s like I have to pee SO MUCH, but nothing comes. Or, something does, but the feeling of having to pee never goes away. It burns, but it just feels like a constant uncomfortable pressure. This feeling kept building and building during Relief Society. I turned to Mindy at one point and said, “I don’t think I can do this for the rest of church.” It was so distracting; I couldn’t focus on what was being said no matter how hard I tried to will my mind to focus on something other than my growing discomfort (appropriately, the lesson was on the Atonement). At one point, all the stories about how Jesus healed on the Sabbath flooded my mind, and I decided to go to the store to get something to take to help my symptoms. On my way, it was as if I got hit all at once, and I turned into the InstaCare instead of going to the store.

As I sat there, being ignored, the pain grew and grew and it started to spread and spread. It was then I realized that I was having kidney pains. Although I know that kidney stones are not life threatening, my pain became very urgent to ME. No one made any attempts to help me or to alleviate any of the suffering that continued to build. I just continued to sit there, suffering quietly. So, I walked out. I decided to not go to the Utah Valley Hospital because of how I was treated there last time. I drove myself back to the church so I could leave my car for Mindy—I didn’t want her to be without a car. I called Trevor to come and get me and drive me to the American Fork Hospital. ASAP.

It’s hard to describe exactly how I felt as I was waiting for Trevor and as we drove to the hospital. It felt like it would never go away, even though I knew logically it would, that didn’t matter at that point. What mattered was right NOW and the intense pain I was in that I could not escape—no matter how much I pulled my hair, bit my hand, or pinched myself. The pain became everything I could see—the only thing I could think about. It felt like it was literally engulfing me, that I was getting swallowed whole by this invisible monster. It was like I was on fire. The pain was so sharp, so intense, and so real.

Experiences like this always teach me a lot. First of all, about the Atonement. I am in awe about what the Savior went through in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Second of all, I feel like I learn so much about our baptismal covenants we make. I got so frustrated with how no one helped me or took me seriously. I felt invalidated. Even if the pain wasn’t real to them, it was real to ME, but no one treated me like they cared. (And by “no one” I mean the staff that is supposedly supposed to be my advocate.)

“Oh you’re in the worst pain of your life? You’re on the pain scale an 11 out of 10? Have a seat. We’ll be with you in a minute.”

I literally collapsed in the waiting room waiting for them to get done asking me when my birthday was and printing me a bracelet with my name on it. I understand that these things are important in how their system works, but I think there is a problem when the system becomes more important than the patient collapsing in pain in front of them.

It teaches me to believe people. Even if the pain doesn’t seem like it’s “real” there is something going on that is very real to the person experiencing it. And they deserve to be treated with dignity.
Needless to say, I was frustrated when I left the hospital. “Oh yeah, you have kidney stones that cause the worst pain in your life. Sorry we weren’t really able to manage your pain because you don’t seem to respond to pain medications to where it helps the symptoms. Sorry you can’t pee still. But we’re done here, so you can go home.”

The health "care" system needs some SERIOUS re-working.

But, Trevor, Kotah, and Mindy were my angels during this whole ordeal. Trevor was a gem and hand fed me ice cubes whenever I opened my hand for a re-fill. Kotah gave me a beautiful blessing. And when Mindy came in she took over as the mother hen. Seriously, I literally have the best friends this world can offer.

I met baby Claire Tuesday night. My heart absolutely belongs to her now. It’s amazing how much I can love someone that I just met. As Melinda put it, “We don’t know these little people and they just instantly are our dearest friends.” Claire was a bit fussy, but I am grateful that I got to hold her for even just a little bit. She is going to be among the most loved little girls that are on this planet earth. Chris is going to be a GREAT dad.

I went to Orem Wednesday afternoon to visit with Meghann. She had her baby on Monday! Babies, babies, babies. Her baby is Hartley North Shane. I got to hold her for a long time (she was peacefully asleep). I didn’t want to leave because I wanted to just keep holding her. There is nothing as peaceful as holding a sleeping baby.

So, Thursday was the first day of AFY. Mindy and I were volunteered to be the counselors for this stake AFY activity. AFY is basically EFY, but on a stake level, so it’s free. Also, it’s everything that EFY does packed into three days instead of a whole week.

I know with all of my whole heart that it’s through Heavenly Father’s spirit that today went as well as it did. No one who knows Mindy and me would have been able to recognize us. We had energy, we were enthusiastic, we got involved, we got everyone on board to have fun, we were excited, and we participated. I just want EVERYONE to have so much fun, to feel our love and Heavenly Father’s love, and to feel safe with a sense of belonging. I want that so much for them, that it is motivating me to step outside of my regular comfort zone so that they could follow our lead.

To end the night, we had a concert—Ryan Shupe and the Rubberbands played. Mindy and I danced so hard my knees almost fell off—we were definitely having the most fun out there of all the groups. Our girls all came and found us because they wanted to dance with us. It made me so happy to see them all interacting and having such a good time.

On Friday were the classes. I liked the speakers a lot, and the kids loved them. One teacher gave two examples that I really liked. One of the stories was about when he and his wife were dating. To make a long story short, they were trying to reenact a movie but running to each other to hug and spin. They ended up falling off of the roof of the parking garage they were on. The moral of the story was, the movies are not the place to get dating or life advice.

Then, they had their dance to end off the night. The dance was SO much fun. Maybe it was fun because everyone was ten years younger than I am so I could do whatever I wanted without feeling any pressure—they’ll either think I’m lame and old, or awesome and cool. I didn’t care. Mindy and I danced and danced and danced. Our girls had so much fun, and that made it ten times more fun for us and vise versa. It’s so much better to just let loose and dance like no one is watching. Confidence is contagious!

It was a MIRACLE that the pool didn’t open Saturday like it was supposed to. If I had missed Saturday, I would have missed the best part of AFY. These kids literally blow me away. They are EXACTLY the type of kids I want to work with for the rest of my life.

The AFY experience is so much like a mission—this testimony meeting, feeling their spirit an the spirit they bring into the room, made it all so worth it—I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Here I thought they weren't listening half of the time, but they were. This little experience literally changed their whole world. And that is a priceless gift to be a part of. There were things I never knew were making a difference, the littlest things, and THAT is what made the biggest difference for them. I'm so proud of them!

To end the night, we went back into the chapel. The spirit was already so strong because everyone had just been bearing his or her testimony. Then, after we had been sitting in the chapel for a few minutes the EFY medley came on. All of a sudden, the moms of those who were at AFY surrounded us. They started singing the girl’s part and then when it was the boy’s part, the bishops of the stake came in and stood behind the moms. We literally felt the love and safety encircling us. It was incredibly powerful. It definitely left an impression on everyone’s heart that was in attendance. The symbolism was what was particularly powerful to me. It was like they were saying to the evil influences of the world, “You have to come through us before you’ll ever get to them.” It was the power of love and protection. It was incredible. I will never be able to explain the feelings that I felt and that I know everyone else was feeling. My heart and soul were full, and I am so grateful that I got to participate. And to think, I didn't want to do this at first because I thought it would be lame and I would be hating every minute.

Well, the pool is opening Wednesday--they're just a month late on opening. But like I said, it's kind of a miracle, because otherwise I would have missed the amazing AFY experience. And that was definitely worth more than an hourly wage of nothing.

wooden heart

2011-06-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

Watch the video.

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living

and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given

I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts

and it's not only when these eyes are closed

these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,

but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather

and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,

stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better

but it won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...

so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,

to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts

Don’t let these waves wash away your hopes

this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors

pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviours

but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board

washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores

so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it

but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts

we all have the same holes in our hearts...

everything falls apart at the exact same time

that it all comes together perfectly for the next step

but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck

I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden

and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right

but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight

so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship

hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks

because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam

lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea

so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water

I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea

if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together

and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep

all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric

shocking each other back to life

Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected

our bones grown together inside

our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided

our spines grown stronger in time

because our church is made out of shipwrecks

from every hull these rocks have claimed

but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change

so come on y'all and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, we're just tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

inshallah. qatar. the final chapter.

2011-05-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

We went to the Cultural Village when John got back from school last Saturday. All of the art exhibits were closed, but we were able to walk by the beach and then go to the amphitheater. I think the amphitheater has been my favorite part of Doha so far. It was beautiful. We sat on a ledge at the edge of the amphitheater. We sat right where the breeze continually blew through. The breeze came from the water so it felt perfect—not too hot, not too cold. Like Goldilocks' porridge. Also, it was so quiet where we sat. It was like the quiet that is only in the temple. It was a perfect reflecting place.

We went to the Museum of Islamic Art today on Sunday (remember, Fridays are the Sabbath here before you pass your judgments). The museum was BEAUTIFUL—from the building itself to the art inside. I realized that some of my favorite art is Middle Eastern art. The reason I love it so much is because it has so much culture and history packed into every piece. There isn’t anything that isn’t rich with meaning. Their art is quite literally their word—whether that’s the writing itself or “the Word” being the Qur’an. And it’s all just beautiful. Also, I think that I like things that I don’t understand. I don't understand why I am like that, but I like it, because I don't understand it. I think it might be because that keeps my mind working. And if I start understanding things one piece at a time, I never get bored.

I also liked that I could see influences from other cultures and visa versa. It reminds me that we’re really all connected.

One thing that I read from one of the signs explaining what room we were in was about patterns. It explained that the pattern represents how everything we see is just part of a whole that extends to infinity. I liked thinking about that.

We went on an Arabian Adventure on Monday. We went sand duning, camel riding, and ocean swimming. I had some of the most fun that I’ve ever had.

We rode with a man named Abraheem, and he was in a thobe. I don’t know why, but this surprised us all.

First, we rode camels. I just feel sorry for all animals that are forced to do things just so we can say we’ve done them. I’m sure they wonder to themselves, “Is this really why I’m here?!”

Unfortunately, we had to break the word of wisdom after our camel ride. Offering tea is custom, and to decline would be enormously offensive. It’s not like the normal kind of offense that we can deal with here in the states by explaining it goes against or religious beliefs, and then people have to accept it regardless of whether they understand. It’s like kick-you-out-of-the-country offensive. Or jail you. I prayed for forgiveness—Heavenly Father knows I didn’t want to drink it.

Then, we started off into the desert. It was unbelievably beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like it—sand as far as the eye can see, and the beautiful sun that makes everything look like it’s on fire.

The first plummet off of a dune was the most startling, frightening, and exhilarating experience I can ever remember having. I thought for sure we were going to flip and die.

After the roller-coaster ride on the sand, we went to the camp. Everything just seemed so perfect for the desert—it was everything I imagined. I just really like the desert. It has it’s own unique beauty that appeals to me. I think one thing I like about the desert is the most unlikely things—whether it be humans, animals, or plants—survive in the most unfriendly conditions. I find it inspiring.

At the camp, we got to swim in the ocean. It’s been forever since I’ve been swimming in the ocean. I’ve gone to the ocean, but most of the time it’s too cold for me to go in. That was the great thing about being raised on the gulf coast in Florida—it was warm. I never had to think twice about going in. So, we happily swam in the Arabian Sea. I held Melinda on my hip the entire time like you would a little kid—she was too scared to put her feet down. We worked on floating and such, but I didn’t want her just hanging out on the sand instead of being in the water with us, so I happily attached her to my hip. I love my friends and I love that these are things that we do that are so normal to us, but might be strange to an outsider looking in.

After we swam for a while, it was time to eat. We kicked around a soccer ball and played volleyball while we waited—we weren’t sure how to say we were ready to eat. We felt like we were their entertainment until they offered to feed us. After eating, it had gotten dark. The moon lit a path on the ocean, and it was so stunningly beautiful. We went and sat out by the water, and it was so perfect. It was so secluded so everything felt so serene. It’s in the quiet that I can hear God the loudest.

When I first got here, I asked Heavenly Father to help me see these people the way He does. I’ve felt like I’ve gotten a glimpse of the answer to that question. I love these people for their honor, their values, their traditions, their devotion to God, and even the changes that they are making. There definitely ARE evil people doing evil things and polluting innocent people’s minds to carry on their evil traditions, but they are the exception and not the rule. Most people just love God, their family, and want to be able to protect and safeguard those things. These people who are just trying to do their best, like we are, are not the enemy.

prayer call. qatar. part two and a half.

2011-05-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

that's against the law. qatar. part two.

2011-05-14T05:09:00.000-07:00

We went down to the water and walked along the edge Monday night. I am not sure why, but the most fascinating thing to me was watching people exercise. To me, it just didn’t seem to fit this culture. The best was seeing people work out in their abiya or thobe. I’m glad they’re trying to be healthy—I just didn’t expect to see runners.

Perhaps the reason I don’t see kids out playing is because it’s too dang hot during the day. There were a lot of people out by the water in the evening time. I still don’t see a lot of people interacting, like playgroups that are found at almost every park in the US, but I did see a few moms walking together. I saw groups of men walking together, too. Never mix and matched unless they’re with their family. And when they're with their family, they aren’t hanging out in groups of families. But I felt like tonight was FHE for everyone with how many people were out. It was good to see everyone interacting with his or her families, though. It made people seem more like…people. The kids laughed as their dads chased them, the moms kept everyone in line, etc. It was a familiar scene in a faraway land.

We got to ride a dhow (special word for boat)!

We went to Bombay Silk in the morning on Tuesday. In the morning and in the evening is really the only time anything other than lizards and snakes can tolerate being outside. Melt me.

The clothes at Bombay Silk were incredibly ornate. They sold abiyas there, but it was mostly an Indian clothing store. I found lots of things that I wished I could buy for my nieces. I am finding more things that I want to get for them and Mindy than I want to get for myself. If I had a million dollars...

Naps have become a staple of this trip. I never nap. But we go and have an adventure in the morning, come home and nap while it's too hot to function, and then go out and have another adventure. I read first, and then nap. We all pile onto Mama Weir’s bed—and by “we all” I mean, Mama Weir, Melinda, John, and two dogs. If the cat is around, the cat joins us too. So yeah, we pile. This whole routine is going to spoil me beyond spoil.

We joined John for a pool party with the Young Men and Young Women on Tuesday. It’s so funny to watch teenagers interact. It seems as though teenagers are the same all around the world.

There was way more youth than I was anticipating. That is so good for them, though. I’m sure they have become accustomed to this life, but I’m sure they all long for a “normal” life. Whatever that means. For me, I see them and I envy their lives a little bit. Think of everything they get to experience and learn! But you don’t think about that when you’re a teenager. All you want is to have friends, gain independence, and feel like you belong somewhere. It's hard to feel like you belong when you have a transient lifestyle. You can never get too attached. As much as I hate change, I think that is something that's somewhat appealing to me right now. But no matter where you go, problems follow--or problems just become different. There are always problems and there is no escaping that. I’m sure someday these youngsters look back on this experience and be grateful for it.

We woke up early to go to the Souqes on Wednesday. Even though we went early, it was still too hot. It got up to 120 degrees today. Yes, one hundred and twenty whole degrees. I think that’s why I had a hard time seeing straight after I’d been standing for too long.

I don’t like shopping. At all. But shopping in the Souqes is a cultural experience. I am really glad we went, because I got to see the Arab people in a completely different light. Particularly the men. We met some of the nicest people! It was good to see because our cultures completely misunderstand each other. The men were kind, loving, compassionate, and respectful—of course in their own kind of way. But they weren’t at all what our society makes them out to be.

The Souqes.

View of one of the Mosques at the Souqes.

He is in the process of making a rug--it takes SIX MONTHS to complete.

His candy store is...delicious.

This is the saddest thing I have seen thus far. This baby chicks are dyed to look like peeps and piled into a cage to cook in the hot Arabian sun.

The animal activist in me wanted to take them all home.

Another observation is that customer service is (generally speaking) better here. Of course there are places that ignore us for the fact that we’re American, but generally speaking, the customer service seems to be better because people tend to be grateful for the job they’re holding instead of resentful thinking that it’s temporary and beneath them. Psh. Americans. We're so ungrateful.

We went with John to get his hair cut later in the evening after our afternoon relaxation time. That was a cultural experience because it was an Indian “Saloon” and we got to watch Bollywood while he was getting his trim. Then, they switched it to a Disney movie for us, and then we watched Ice Princess until we left.

As we were walking towards the restaurant we were going to eat at, this little kid sprung the upper-half of his body out of a parked car’s window and shouted after us. The movement immediately caught my attention, and then especially when he was yelling directly at us. I could tell by his tone and his face that whatever he said was not kind. After we passed a few feet, John turned around and said, “He just called us animals.”

We ended the night by eating at Turkey Central (like, Turkish food). They specialize in meat—but never pork. Pork is not allowed here. Tonight was a different experience with how we were treated. We were ignored, and I could see resentment in the workers eyes. I have an idea of why they are resentful towards us in general, but I couldn’t help but think that they just don’t know me. We should all reserve harsh judgments—always—but especially until AFTER we give someone the benefit of the doubt and get to know them a little bit. I know I have room to work on that quality. We just never know, but we like to think we do.

Thursday was an especially early day. We went with John to seminary this morning at 6:30. The sun rises so early, so it felt like the middle of the day. My body was certainly confused, and I was ready for bed again by 11 in the morning.

American School Of Doha.

Postal Service: "I'll wear my badge, with big block letters adherent to my chest that tells your new friends I am a visitor here..."

With Brother Bear.

We were trapped at the high school for a few hours, but John bought us food and took us on a lovely tour. He's such a good little brother. Melinda does not miss going there, and I definitely do not miss high school either. I couldn’t help but think about what a different experience going to an international high school would have been like, though. Like I said about Wednesday, I don’t think kids at that age can really grasp the unique-ness of their experience that they are getting to have. But as I watched the monitor I read about service projects open to the students in Japan, Thailand, and Mozambique. I don’t think I would have fully grasped what I had if I had an experience like this growing up, I probably wouldn’t have taken full advantage of it. This is part of the human experience I suppose—we always think the grass is greener on the other side. I didn’t often think about what could be unique and great about my experience growing up and especially in high school—it was all just normal, so it’s easily dismissed and taken for granted.

At school, I noticed something different. The different cultural groups weren’t divided. There was no majority race, and everyone was just friends with whoever they clicked with. They didn’t see the world by way of boundaries; all of those boundaries were non-existent. That is really special and I wished our schools were more blended like this. Everyone was equal and no one had to stick to their own "kind".

After dinner, we went on a walk around the neighborhood. I love nights here. The houses are all lit up and the sky looks like it’s on fire. The houses all look like they have pools reflecting on them, even though they don’t. I just like how that looks. It reminds me of Florida.

We went to the mall for another cultural experience. We got stared at. I am definitely the tallest person in this country. We were also the only white people in the mall. It felt like EVERYONE in Doha was at the mall. Thursday is the weekend for them, and apparently the mall is the place to be, so it’s entirely possible that everyone WAS there. But being at the mall was awesome because again, there were SO many nationalities there—and they were all proud to represent their culture with their dress. This trip has been like one huge Culture Night. Even with so many people from all over the world, the mall felt the same as any other mall I've ever been to. It's amazing how there is so much variety and difference, and yet, it's all still the same.

I found these at the mall. I'm in love. (In love with the shoes, not the legs. I've had those for 25 years.)

Another thing I have noticed, I think it’s easier to love your body and love yourself here. Differences are just…accepted. Not everyone is trying to squeeze into the same mold.

Friday was church. I sat in church thinking about how grateful I am for the freedoms we have in the US. I am so grateful that I get to go to church and not worry about...well, dying. It made me think about how those same freedoms that we hope to have, where people let us worship "how where or what we may" while withholding reservation and judgment, we need to GIVE that. We just don't need to pick at each other so much--at people's lifestyles, beliefs, personality quirks, style, whatever. "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Mother Teresa

guitar. i mean, qatar. part one.

2011-05-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

My journey began at 8 in the morning on Friday and ended over 25 hours later. It was a long day, but in some ways, I think I am made for traveling. I do so well being content with just watching people. I rarely get antsy if travels are taking a long time. The only thing I don’t like is that I feel cramped. I am so tall that my knees are always touching the seat in front of me. Someday, I’d like to fly internationally again—first class. First class is the way to go. But until then, I travel the poor woman way: economy.

Melinda and I parted ways at the SLC Airport, and happily reunited in Doha. I heart her.

I can admit now that I was a little nervous about travelling internationally by my lonesome.

Sunday isn’t “Sunday” in the Middle East. The Sunday as we know them in the Christian world are on Fridays for the Muslim world. So, to observe this day, the LDS church meets on Fridays as well. So, instead of church, we went to the mall for my first cultural experience in Qatar.

I learned a few Arabic words before leaving. I learned: yes, no, please, thank you, and I’m sorry. These are very reserved people who keep to themselves and rarely let anyone penetrate their walls. Needless to say, I didn’t get a chance to practice those words. If I had, the words would have probably leapt right out of my brain right when I needed them because I would have been so nervous to try and use them.

Yes: Na’aam

No: Kalla or La

Please: Mid Fadlik

Thank you: Shukran

I’m sorry: Ana Asef

Whale: Hoot

Worm: Dooda

Owl: Booma

I love you: Ah-heb-ikee (to a girl) Ah-heb-ik (to a boy)

The most important phrase to know: Ayoojadd Masbah Bilqurbi Min Huna?

Translation: Is there a swimming pool around here?

It’s very humid and very hot here. And you can’t see the sky—the sky is covered in dust.

These are for the Asian games they had here--next, World Cup 2022.

When you walk outside, you feel like a giant oven just got opened in your face. It kind of takes your breath away. Today, the sky was even less visible. The sun was definitely out because it was one of the hottest days of the year, but it was hidden behind all of the dust that was floating around.

The smells of Qatar and the feel of Qatar’s weather remind me a lot of Mexico. This is a wealthier country, but it really doesn’t look much wealthier than Mexico at first glance. The cars are definitely nicer. Everyone drives—or wants to drive—a Land Cruiser. And funnily enough, KFC is the “national food” as John and Melinda put it.

John and Melinda have been excellent tour guides—they will most likely be tired of me by tomorrow because I ask so many questions. I just want to know everything!

You can’t show the bottom of your foot here to anyone, that’s telling him or her they are beneath you and it’s very offense. I made special care to keep both feet on the floor at all times.

Men wear white Thobes and women wear black Abiyas. There is no PDA allowed in public. Men stay with men, women stay with women. You should not look at men, because that is suggesting you want to get to “know” them. In a way, the Middle East is the perfect place for me. It's easy for me to avoid contact and keep to myself.

While we were at one of the stands in the mall, there was singing that filled every store over the announcement system. I froze because I was unsure of what was happening. I looked at Melinda and John to see if they could offer an explanation. John doesn’t really notice the cultural differences anymore, so I had to ask, “Um, what is happening?” Finally he realized I was asking about the singing, and he told me that’s the prayer call. Oh, of course.

You cannot take pictures of people without their permission. And never take pictures on embassy grounds. You’ll get held at gunpoint. It’s difficult to fully capture my experience because of how careful we have to be taking pictures. There is so much I want to take pictures of!

This picture is not cool because of me or because of the large amount of water behind me, but because of the detergent. We hid in the water section so we could take a picture. You better appreciate it, because we risked our lives to take it. The black to detergent has a picture of a woman in her abiya, and the white detergent has a picture of a man in his thobe. I was fascinated.

This was in a Japanese Dollar Store. Their English is better than my Japanese, so I can't complain. We just thought this was a gem of a find.

We picked John up from school today. Everyone lines up outside of the American School of Doha and waits for the students to come out of the school’s gate. Security is very high. Although it’s an American School, most of the students appear to be from places other than America. I tried to picture what it would have been like growing up over here, and all I could picture was how frustrating it must be when trying to find friends. There are kids to talk to, sure, but the friends that fit you like a glove are harder to find when there are fewer to choose from. Also, there is always that space between people when they were raised as if they were worlds apart.

These are what houses look like here. No one knows their neighbors because their houses are behind thick walls and their windows are tinted so no one can see inside. I never see kids outside playing together--granted, that is probably because they'd melt if they were playing outside. They're probably playing at the indoor carnivals in the malls.

That’s how I feel the culture is here. Everyone might live and work in the tiny country and share this space together, but everyone is SO different and couldn't seem farther apart. There are so many people from all over—I’d say I see less Qatari than people from other nationalities. There are a lot of Pilipino here, just as an example.

We came home and took a break from the heat. Tonight, we’re going to the Cultural Center and then to the Pearl. I don’t know what the Pearl is, but we’ll find out. It sounds pretty, though.

I continue to be more and more grateful that I was born in the US. It’s more of a blessing than I can ever fully know—but I come to know that more the more I experience life outside of the US.

there are such things as dumb questions

2011-05-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

Starting on Wednesday, I felt sick. I had to go to a work meeting—sexual harassment training of all things (bless Lehi's heart)—and I just felt so crummy during the whole thing. I bolted out of there as soon as it was finished. My tummy feels nauseous and my throat feels sore.

Now it's several days later, and I. CAN'T. STOP. COUGHING. I sound like death, and to put everyone's mind at ease, I don't touch anything and I breathe through my jacket. Calm down everyone, I'm not going to infect you.

Trevor helped me move on Wednesday. I was worried about Dewey (my fish) the most, but he made it! It actually feels comforting in a strange way to have Dewey here with me. He is my new constant. Here I am...back in American Fork. Never thought I'd say that. But, I am officially part of the Sermon household now.

I went to the dentist Friday morning. They did a cleaning and also fixed three cavities. Honestly, I don’t really know what that means when they fix a cavity, but they did it. And I left with a very numb mouth. I had an appointment at the health center immediately after, so I could barely form words to talk to the receptionist. Her reply was, “You speak pretty well—are you hard of hearing?” If my face hadn’t been paralyzed, I probably would have given her the most morbid look ever. Did she really just ask that?! I didn’t want to make her feel stupid, so I paused for what felt like a long time before I answered. “No, I just went to the dentist…”

Mindy and I had a Friday night that people only ever dream of having: we watched America’s Funniest Home Videos and the Royal Wedding. Classic combination.

Josh came this weekend--we're not going to see each other all summer! That stinks.

OSAMA BIN LADEN is dead. Or so they say. I wonder what this will mean for the war on terror right now. It feels weird to celebrate someone's death--I mostly just feel sorry for him.

I'm going to Qatar this week--perfect timing. Hopefully I don't get snagged by any anti-American groups. I'll just pretend to be Swiss--no one hates the Swiss.

come what may

2011-04-25T22:43:00.001-07:00

While I was happily devouring my Cazookie and enjoying the company I was with, I get a phone call from Melinda. I usually don’t answer the phone when I’m with people, but we had talked earlier about what time her roommate would be home so I could bring more of my belongings over that I am storing there for the summer. I asked her how she was and immediately I could hear frustration in her voice. ‘What could it be?’ I wondered. She is with her fiancé in California becoming acquainted with his family. Surely it couldn’t be that anything has gone wrong with Dane or his family—anyone who doesn’t love Melinda has to be missing his or her heart.

I inquired about what the trouble was. It took her a few tries before she was able to collect her thoughts and tell me what had happened. Her roommate, Desi, moved out at the end of this semester because she has internships in interesting places. Her parents drove up from her hometown of El Paso, Texas to collect her belongings and to drive her car home. In this process, my things were also collected and brought to El Paso, Texas.

Blink, blink.

Yes, all of my belongings are now nestled in Desi’s home in El Paso, Texas. That is much less convenient than having my things nestled in Melinda’s apartment just twenty minutes away from where I will be this summer. Oh, Life—what a jokester you are. Why WOULDN'T this happen?

Come what may and love it.

lovers of mumford's light

2011-04-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

It keeps raining. April showers bring May flowers, right?? “It’s the rain not just the sun that helps it grow,” says Noah and the Whale. I'm ready for some sun and flower, though.

Mel texted me Tuesday night saying she had something to show me, and so when I got home, Mindy and I head over. I had a feeling it was her engagement ring—sure enough, there was a big fat pearl sitting on her hand. It’s beautiful and it represents Melinda very well.

Missy and I went out to dinner at Zupa’s Wednesday night. She is in town for her graduation. It was really great to see her. I am very proud of her for not giving up and accomplishing all that she has even when good ol' BYU made it as difficult as possible for her. She has a lot to be proud of—I hope everything works out for her. She deserves all the good in the world. Darn BYU.

I went out to lunch on Thursday with Derek, Jack, Ashley (Derek’s fiancé) and Ashley’s little sister (her name escapes me). We ate at J-Dawgs. At first the weather was really nice and we were able to eat outside, but literally the weather changed from lovely to a wrecking-ball from one second to the next. It felt like hurricane winds came and blew everyone’s hot dogs all over! Aside from that little dance with the wind, it was really good to hang out with everyone. I never get to see Jack anymore, either—so it was good to get to see him again. Friends are just great and happy.

After lunch, I went to the temple. I did initiatories because I feel like it's been awhile since I've done them. And they are my absolute favorite, so they are a treat to get to do. After I finished, the nice temple ladies let me go into the celestial room. The temple is the only time that I don’t feel anxious. Sometimes, that makes it harder for me to go because I know I’ll never want to leave. But, it's always nice to get a break--even if that break is from myself.

I went with Mindy to the Muse to see Ben and Jake play on Thursday night (and some other friends from our ward). There were about ten people in the crowd, but it was fun to watch them. They all have a lot of musical talent! The fun thing is that they all share the spotlight pretty well. No one person seems to be the indispensible member—they ALL are. Seeing them sing bluegrass just made me one million times more excited to go and see Mumford & Sons.

Then on Friday…the time came. Mama Sermon took Mindy and me to the airport. After only an hour of flying, we were in Phoenix (beats driving ten hours!). I could hardly contain my excitement as we walked through the Salt Lake airport, as we sat on the plane, and as we landed in Phoenix—we’re going to see MUMFORD. I don’t know that I have looked forward to anything this much in my entire life. Seriously.

The trip started off with a slight glitch—the rental car situation didn’t work out because they tried to scam me out of $250. Sister Felten (AKA Ashley) came to our rescue (she served in Provo and Mindy and I would go out with them once a week--she's going to be our roommate in the fall!). We went out to dinner with Trevor, Nate and Parker. A little while later, Whalen met us for the last half of eating out. I never get to see Whalen! So, I'm glad we got to see each other...in Arizona. It's funny how when you live close to some people, those are actually the people you see the least.

The weather was SO perfect on Saturday. We sat out by the pool all afternoon with our feet hanging in. It was too cold to swim, but it was perfect basking-in-the-sunshine weather. So, basked we did.
I am also sad to say that I don’t hate Arizona as much as I wanted to—I am TERRIBLE at holding grudges.

Now for the moment we have all been waiting for…THE show. All of the bands were SO fun to watch and dance to. You can’t help but want to clap your hands and stomp your feet to bluegrass music. Not many other people felt the same way as they stood there like statues, but that didn’t keep us from dancing our hearts out. My favorite part was that I could literally FEEL the music. If I put my hand on my chest, I could feel the vibrations from the speakers—it was as if the music was coming from inside out. The temperature was perfect (it was an outside venue). I could close my eyes while feeling the breeze on my face and arms while singing at the top of my lungs all of the lyrics that I wish I could write. I felt invincible, like nothing could touch me—nothing could get to me.

This was easily one of the best nights of my life. I am so grateful for music. And for friends who will travel borders with me to go see music live.

six feet zero inches

2011-04-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

Have a seat, this is going to be long. I have lots of catching up to do.

Wasn't conference AMAZING?! I LOVED conference. Everything was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. How do they DO that? It's like they're inspired or something. There were so many reminders and so much PERSPECTIVE. Almost all of my questions were answered (one will most likely be forever pending an answer). It was a bitter-sweet feeling when conference was over. Until next time.

I watched Priesthood session (I'm a nerd, stop judging right this instant) when it aired online with Mindy Moo-Whoo. It was FANTASTIC. Elder Andersen's talk made me trunky for my mission. He talked about how the "sun never sets on missionaries testifying of the Savior". That was a beautiful thought to me. President Monson's talk was also pretty epic. I could hear a collective groan from all the young single adults all over the world as President Monson rebuked them for not dating us eligible young ladies.

Let's see...what else...

When I came home from the gym a few Tuesdays ago, I thought I had strained a muscle in my back (I've started running, my body is very confused and thinks its being punished). As the afternoon progressed, I realized that it wasn’t a muscle pain—but it was a kidney pain. This of course made me very nervous, because the worst pain that I have ever been in was when I had kidney stones on my mission. I wanted to wait to see if it would go away or progress into excruciatingly unbearable pain (logic at its finest). It never got to the level of excruciating, but it did get worse. After Melinda’s orchestra concert, Mindy drove me straight to the hospital without giving me a chance to protest. We decided to go to the American Fork hospital because of how terribly the Utah Valley Regional medical staff treated me when I went a few weeks ago (yeah—twice already this year). The staff at the AF hospital was MUCH better. The nurses and the doctor were all much more personable and took me seriously. I appreciated that. I am feeling all better now.

I went to the temple with Mindy two Thursday eves ago. I was supposed to go out with the missionaries, but I really wanted to go to the temple instead. It worked out because it turned out we were just going to be knocking doors. I didn’t enjoy that on my mission, let alone now (especially when it's cold, I'm a baby who still has Florida blood)—so I’m glad it worked out so that I could go to the temple. I'm glad I got to go to the temple, I needed it. I love the temple. I always come away with a new resolve. The temple provides the reminders that I need and that are so easy to forget. That's why returning over and over again is oh so important. The temple reminds me to simplify, to be patient, and to have faith. Going to the temple reminds me to trust. Domingo (one of the most amazing persons that Sister Aina and I taught in Denton) wrote something on his Facebook status that I loved, “When Satan knocks at your door, let Jesus answer.” Amen. I know going to the temple helps us be better prepared for those knocks at our door.

I went to my mission reunion on two Fridays ago. This reunion was much more enjoyable than the last one, in my expert-at-reunions opinion. I think everyone is better adjusted to being home. It just felt good to be around my elders and sisters again. There is an unbreakable bond that forms between mission friends—you go through some of the HARDEST and most JOYOUS times of your life together, and that seems to weld that bond even if you don't hang out with them every day after the mission. I am so grateful for my band of "bristers". (My mission president gave a training on being a band of "brothers" once, and some other sisters and I took the liberty of changing it to "band of bristers" because we are brothers AND sisters. And that equals BRISTERS.)

Last week, I was recovering from a kidney infection and a bladder infection. So there isn’t much to report, other than I read a lot. I miss reading. I forgot that my brain likes it so much.

I have a new idea about what I want to do with my life—I’m not sure how my mind wandered here, but what matters is where it ended up. My thoughts led me to: ISR. Infant Swim Resource. This is a really intense swim lesson program that teaches babies younger than three how to save themselves. The process to become an instructor is also very intense. But as an instructor, you make SO much money for just ten-minute lessons. I applied. We’ll see what happens next. I feel good about it, so hopefully SOMETHING happens next.

Some friends in our ward put on a house show periodically. I have so much fun at these that I pretty much invite everyone I know. Marni came with us—I love Marni. She’s just…cool. And she gets along with everyone. Really, I just adore all of my friends and consider myself so blessed to have them in my life. It took awhile for the show to pick up, but it was a great show. I loved it when people would play songs we’d know—it’s therapeutic to sing along. Music never ever lets me down. It made me infinity plus seven times more excited to see Mumford & Sons this weekend.

Gigi (she's home from her mission!), Blake, and Trevor all came to the show. Blake sang after much prodding from me—he sang “Be Calm” by Fun and he actually was very impressive (not that I was expecting for him to be unimpressive). That’s a hard song and he completely nailed it. Taylor and Levi were also there—random. But it was so good to see everyone! I had a lot of fun. As always.

Church was fantastic last Sunday. I love church, and I am not ashamed to say it. Mindy taught in Sunday School, and as always, she gave a very uplifting lesson. One thing she talked about that I had never paid much attention to are the maps in the back of the Bible. She started charting where the Savior had walked and was amazed by how much he is always on the go—he was always traveling. Then she said, “There is no distance too far for the Savior. He has already gone there.” That’s powerful.

I have been setting new running records (for myself, not the world). I’m up to ten whole minutes. That is not impressive or remarkable to you, but it is to me, and this is MY blog, so...there. Who knows, maybe I can do this 5K this summer. Maybe.

I found out that I am 6’0’’ tall. That’s insane. I’ve been convinced that I’m 5’11” my whole life. I will continue to say that is how tall I am, because I slouch. Maybe all of this life experience is causing my random growth--inside and out.

Belle had a status on Facebook that I liked, “Life is like photography. You use the negatives to develop.”

Melinda and I went and tried on wedding dresses! I use the term “we” loosely, just Melinda tried on dresses, I just watched and gave my opinions. We unexpectedly found a dress at Allyse’s Bridal. The next day, Mindy, Melinda, and I went wedding dress shopping. We started off at Emporium—which had terrible service, so we left right away. Don't go there. Ever. Then, we went to Allyse’s, and Mel fell in love even more with the dress we found yesterday. After trying it on, we debated on going to another place if she was that in love with the dress. We all agreed that we should go to ONE more place, because if this IS the dress, then trying others on will only solidify her decision. We googled wedding dress places, and found one called Peggy’s, so we went because it was close. It turned out to be this very white-trash looking place. We went in, not expecting to find anything there for her. But after trying on her second dress, we knew it was the one. It fits her so perfectly—just like Dane fits her so perfectly. Awwww.

In the temple last week, I felt a bit of anxiety come on again as I tried to picture the future—but I couldn’t really see anything. I realized a large part of my problem is that I compare my life to other people’s lives. I don’t have a job like theirs. I don’t travel like they do. I can’t afford this or that. I’m not married. I don’t have babies. What am I doing with my life? What can I say I have “accomplished”? It’s overwhelming. I know that I am doing things with my life, but it’s hard to measure the things I do with the same measuring stick as those around me. And that lesson stood out to me a whole heap in the temple—in essence, the Fall happened because of comparison. Satan tempted Eve with, “You can be like the Gods knowing good from evil.” The scripture that appeared in my mind as I was worrying about all of this was Matthew 6:34. I don’t know how to let the morrow take thought for itself, but it’s a day by day process—so I just have to keep trying.

Mindy and I have many talks about anxieties that we have about the future. She told me she applied to Salt Lake Community College and might just get a technical degree from there. She might just get her associates from UVU and call that good. That unleashed all sorts of anxious feelings inside of me, because I’ve had living in Provo as my number one plan AND my fall back plan all wrapped up in one. We already signed a contract, so I felt okay enough about the future because if I get into grad school then GREAT, if not, I already have a place to live and people to live with. So, all of that got flipped upside down. I don’t know where I’ll go or what I’ll do in the fall. I don’t know whether I should sell my contract now, whether I should start looking for housing in Salt Lake, or whether I should just run away and live with some of my siblings. I have no idea what to do.

We talked a lot about how we just feel like everything is falling apart. I honestly feel like everything I touch just disintegrates. It’s like that scene from Aladdin where they are in the tomb, or somewhere, and they were told not to touch anything other than the lamp. Everything they pass is shiny and golden, so it’s hard to not touch it all. As they touch the other things, everything turns to sand and falls down between their fingers. Life kind of feels like that right now.

But, it will all work out. I know that.

Sister Cardinal cut my hair last week. She gave me a much needed thinning, and she dyed my hair a dark red (peek-a-boo highlight is what they are called in the official lingo of people who do hair). It was great to see her. She is my Twin-Me.

We hung out for three hours while she slowly did my hair (so we could hang out longer). It was great. When I got home, I headed over to Marni’s birthday party. Her party was a mock funeral. So, we all wrote eulogies. It was actually kind of awesome. No one knew how to react when I told him or her about it, but I know we all wonder how our own funerals will be and what will be said. Often, we wait until moments when someone is gone to say the nicest things about them. Plus, the people that came were just really enjoyable to be around because they weren’t typical Provo-ites. I usually don’t like parties, but I very much enjoyed myself and was actually sad when I had to leave.

I had to leave before all of the festivities were over (I stayed for two hours, though--get off my back!) because Molly is in town and I wanted to get to see her. We went out for frozen yogurt—frozen yogurt is all the rage in this town. Instead of bars, we have an array of choices for frozen yogurt. It was so good to have us all back together. We laughed SO much. It felt so good. It’s just good for your spirit to LAUGH.

Meghann had her baby shower Saturday morning (it's a girl!). It was the best shower I’ve been to (all three baby showers I've been to makes me a baby shower expert). Her mother-in-law threw her a party at Pizza Factory—and there were no games involved. It was fantastic. Even better, was that I got to see Meghann and catch up with WENDY! I haven’t seen her since I got home from my mission. Not for lack of effort, she’s just so busy saving lives and with family stuff that has been happening. But we made a pact to do better. It made me excited to live in American Fork because then I’ll get to see her more (she lives in Alpine—four houses down from her parents). But really, seeing them was the highlight of my week—perhaps even my month. I am just always overwhelmed with how RICH I feel because of the people I have in my life. I am so grateful for my friends.

It was another mission reunion at the Imagine Dragons concert Saturday night: Blanco, Skidmore, Belnap, Perry, Barrus, Blake, and of course Mindy were all there. Also, I saw my friend Curtis—we used to work together at the AF pool. Their shows just keep getting better! I don’t know how it happens, but it does. There is such a positive energy that fills the venue. There was so much energy I thought my ears were going to bleed. It was amazing. During Daniel’s solo, I just close my eyes and let myself feel the music. During my favorite songs (which seem to be all of them when they perform) I can also close my eyes and pretend like I am singing my heart out for all to hear and feel. It’s an amazingly intense feeling. I can’t really describe it.

Here are a bunch of quotes Mindy put on her blog that I also love:

Music happens to be an art form that transcends language. Herbie Hancock

If music be the food of love, play on. William Shakespeare

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. Aldous Huxley

Music is what feelings sound like. Author Unknown

After the show, I don’t know if it’s ever felt so good to shower. I was so sweaty after the show. I was impressively gross. Daniel (Mindy's brother who is the guitarist) gave me a hug after the show when we were leaving and commented on how sweaty I was. But, he complimented me because he said I still smelled good. I am a good smelling sweater. I'll add that to my resume.

I visit taught Lindsey and Alyssa on Sunday for the last time. I really am going to miss visiting them. It’s been so great to have them over two semesters and to get to see them so often and learn so much from them. They are both so different from each other, but so great.

Mindy taught in Sunday School today. She gave a great lesson, as always. Two things that I thought about during her lesson:

1. I thought about how swim lessons can be likened unto life. As the swim teacher, I inflict what looks like torture on the kids that I am working with. I am kind of tough on them, because I want them to be able to be safe in the water, and to be able to have the confidence that THEY know they are safe in the water. The kids gain a lot of trust in me because they know I never let them get beyond the point of what I know they can handle and what they are capable of. But with that, I know that pushing them is necessary because that’s the only way their skills will get better and how they will get stronger. That is so much like our Heavenly Father’s relationship with us. He knows what He needs to push us to do so that we will be ready for different situations in the future. Also, we might not understand WHY—like my kids don’t fully grasp WHY they are in swim lessons—but there is a purpose. It’s preparation. And that preparation shows a lot of love from our Heavenly Father.

2. The lesson was about the good Samaritan. I thought about the time that I had that weird virus that only ten people in Utah had been diagnosed with. When I was finally able to move without feeling excruciating pain, I went to the movies with Jack. No one looked at me because I was wearing a facemask. I felt so—inhuman. I was so grateful for Jack who was willing to just come over and sit with me while he read his book. It makes such a difference just to have someone THERE.

After church, we were home-taught by Austin and Alex. I really hope we get to keep them as our home-teachers over the summer. They’re not even MY home-teachers, but they have adopted our whole apartment with no reservations. They are seriously some of the best home-teachers that I think exist in the whole wide world. I went with Mindy to her grandparent’s house for dinner. I look forward to Sundays so much now—they are just rejuvenating in every way.

Like I said, I'm a nerd. The church is true.

color me krishna

2011-04-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year--where ALL of Provo dresses in white to go to the temple. Not the LDS temple, but the Hare Krishna temple. All clothes, shoes, hair, skin, and everything we touch gets stained from the chalk that is covering our every inch. We blow out purple boogers for a week. Q-tips are covered in orange. And of course, everyone is OBLIGATED to change their profile pictures on Facebook to show that they did not miss out on this cultural experience.

I think this will be my last year attending the Color's festival. Unfortunately, it has become more of a trendy experience than one for people to learn about another culture. This year, I was embarrassed to be part of the crowd that disrespectfully put their chalky hands on sacred sculptures and replicas without thinking twice of what they might mean to someone.

Originally, the Holi festival was an agricultural festival celebrating the arrival of spring.
This aspect still plays a significant part in the festival in the form of the colored powders: Holi is a time when man and nature alike throw off the gloom of winter and rejoice in the colors and liveliness of spring. Holi also commemorates various events in Hindu mythology, but for most Hindus it provides a temporary opportunity for Hindus to disregard social norms, indulge in merrymaking and generally "let loose."

And let loose we did--PEACE OUT gloomy winter.

This festival represented a lot for me this year. Mumford & Sons sings, "Spring will swap snow for leaves." Waiting for the swap can be the hardest thing we wait for. It tests our patience and our faith. I know Heavenly Father is watching over us. I know that He sees more than what we are able to see with our little earthly eyes. Trust. Trust, trust, trust. That is one of the hardest things for me to do, but the attribute Heavenly Father keeps teaching me about. I know He wants us to be happy. I know He loves EACH of His children, even the ones who act like boneheads and hurt other people whether it be intentionally or unintentionally. The Atonement was provided for us--none of us is perfect--we all need to forgive and be forgiven. I am SO grateful for the Atonement and the experiences that I have had that have only increased my testimony of its power.

I taught church on Sunday, and with everything leading up to the lesson I was sure I was going to fall flat on my face. I was so distracted. I got in front of everyone and I felt strength flow into me. It was as if something opened up inside of me to let that strength in. Heavenly Father guided every piece of that lesson through His Spirit. Later this week, my visiting teachers pointed out that every testimony that was given from someone in our relief society mentioned the lesson I had given. I didn't realize that until she pointed that out. My heart, again, swelled to the point of feeling like it could burst with GRATITUDE. I was so grateful that not only did Heavenly Father care enough about me to help me give a lesson that I did not feel adequate to give in that moment, but more importantly He loved His daughters enough that came to church that day seeking Him to find Him through His Spirit. We all got to find what we were looking for and needed that day.

The Atonement was so real to me over this weekend because I immediately felt relief and I felt HAPPY. Sunday reminded me that in the storms of our lives, we need to be patient, but proactive—the STORM WILL PASS. Today was another reason to love “After the Storm” by Mumford & Sons. I felt like gratitude returned to my heart and replaced the blackness that was eating me from the inside out. The Atonement is real. "Get over your hill and see what you find there...with grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair."

Jesus lives. He is our Spring in our darkest of winters. "In the depth of winter, I learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

sauce-worthy

2011-04-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

My latest adventure...TEXAS!

I don’t even know how to explain how perfect the trip was. JOY is the only way I can describe how happy I was to see everyone again. Everything was perfect. Seeing everyone made everything perfect. It’s like I was over my hill and I could SEE what I couldn’t see before, I could see what I could never see on my mission—or even ever imagine that I would be able to see. I could see how it was all so worth it. As I sat at different times with different people that we taught and looked at the faces of those that we loved so much and wanted so much for them to be able to enjoy the blessings and peace of the Gospel. I could see that peace written on all of their faces--it was a different face than the one I knew while we were teaching them. And I was beyond grateful to know that THEY changed ME, not the other way around. It was amazing to feel of their love for us—that they love us enough STILL to spend time with us. I’m just so grateful, and it was even more special to get to be there with Sister Aina. Denton is especially sacred to me. Denton is my waters of Mormon. Mosiah 18:30.

“The best part of me was always you.”

We went to the Denton Singles ward on Sunday. My heart literally felt like it was swelling inside my chest during the sacrament—I was so grateful. Serving in the Denton Singles ward was such a tender mercy to me. I feel God’s love so strongly through the people in this ward. I see Christ’s Atonement at work in the lives of those who changed everything to make the Gospel their center. It is such a testimony builder to me of the reality of God’s love, how Christ’s Atonement works, and that the church is truer than true.

Crossing the border. The Spirit is stronger in Texas.

FOUR GENERATIONS. I trained Sister Aina, Sister Aina trained Sister Stucki, and Sister Stucki is training Sister Brewer. And all of this magic happens in DENTON.

Happy reunions. Allie, Kristen, and Kari (all taught by Sister Aina and me!) and our most beloved and beautiful Cassie.

Kari, Domingo, and Kristen! There is too much awesomeness to describe--no words will ever do anyone in this blog justice.

Concert by our very own Sister Aina. Justin Bieber--look out!

I get to HOLD them now. The Shumways spoiled us as missionaries, and she still spoils me.

Small world--I ran into my MTC teacher.

The amazingly talented Liz.

LeighAnne AND her famous peanut butter balls. Can life get any better? I submit that it cannot.

Erika, Kari, Domingo, and Kristen. Their testimonies are bigger than Texas.

Domingo. We never stopped praying for Domingo.

Undercover with Kim at DENTON BIBLE! Duh duh duh.

Jill and Michelle. Some of the sweetest people on this planet earth. And of course, some of our most favorites. They are fireworks.

Stockyards with Allie.

Our most favorite Vegans. They have Vegan-power.

She may be small, but her spirit can fill a room.

Love is bigger in Texas. Allie, Audrey, and Dawnielle--these are the girls that can and will single-handedly change the world. They are my inspiration.

I got to take Allie home with me!

Looking around to see the people that we used to eagerly look for every Sunday—to see them there as MEMBERS was an unexplainable feeling. Erika, Allie, Audrey, Morgan, Ellie, Domingo, Kristen and Kari were there. Jill was out of town, but was there the next day for FHE. It was the best feeling ever to realize that almost EVERYONE that we taught are now members and enjoy the happiness that the Gospel brings. That THEY are sharing their light with everyone their light touches--which is way more people than they will ever know. I just can't say it enough: I am so grateful.

i'm naming a daughter, or cat, of mine azure

2011-03-13T00:37:00.000-08:00

spring WILL swap snow for leaves

2011-03-11T00:55:00.000-08:00

This week was a feel-anxious-about-the-future week. Month. Nay, YEAR.

Among the more serious and long-term anxieties that I have been feeling are questions that keep repeating themselves and replaying in my mind over and over and over again. What do I do this summer? Can I find a new pool to teach at? Can I find enough people to make it worth finding a new pool to teach at? What do I do about grad school? Should I pursue University of Phoenix? That is a huge, scary, expensive commitment. What IF I get into USU? Do I go? Do I even want to do that when I grow up? Or will I just be in the same boat I am now with a bunch of question marks following me around? Who will I have for friends in Logan? I don’t want to leave my friends I have here. They are my bests and there is no way I can find better bests than they. What will I do for full-time work in the fall? These questions are constantly circling in my head and they are sending me into a very downward spiral. Of course, I am always led back to remembering that the Lord knows my questions and my concerns. I need to trust Him. That is so hard for me. As Elder Packer said in his last talk from General Conference, "Faith and character are intimately related. Faith in the power of obedience to the commandments of God will forge strength of character available to you in times of urgent need. Such character is not developed in moments of great challenge or temptation. That is when it is intended to be used. Your exercise of faith in true principles builds character; fortified character expands your capacity to exercise more faith. As a result, your capacity and confidence to conquer the trials of life is enhanced. The more your character is fortified, the more enabled you are to benefit from exercising the power of faith. You will discover how faith and character interact to strengthen one another. Character is woven patiently from threads of applied principle, doctrine, and obedience."

I crawled into bed and watched 10 Things I Hate About You after a stressful day of thinking about everything above. Again. Ask me what I'm thinking about and I will always tell you one of those topics above. Ten Things I Hate About You is my comfort movie.

I felt that all too familiar crushing pressure-like feeling inside. The one that makes me question my everything. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt that way—so strongly, anyway. What was I feeling? Fear. Anxiety. In the words of Mumford & Sons, “I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before.” I feel a loss of control. I feel change—which evokes PANIC in my soul.

My silent unuttered prayer was answered in the most unexpected way. A buddy-ol' pal of mine called. He needed a ride, and he knew I wouldn’t say no. I’m glad he called. We haven’t really talked in a while, or rather, spent time together in awhile. He immediately asked how I was—how I really was. When I said I was great, “Was that a lie? You wouldn’t complain. Why would you?” I told him a little bit of how I’ve been feeling—just frustrated with so many unknowns that keep creeping back even after I feel good about a decision I’ve made—and even though I didn’t tell him everything, It felt so good to just have someone ask—and to sincerely ask. It was like it made everything that I had been feeling anxious about wash under the bridge just to know that someone cared. Granted I KNOW people care. I just don't always let them care. I felt better after that drive. On the way home I was once again amazed at how much Heavenly Father cares for each of us individually--enough to send someone, anyone, to help me feel remembered. It’s amazing how something so small can make the biggest difference.

On the BRIGHT side, BIG NEWS: we bought tickets to see Mumford & Sons in Chandler, AZ. I am beyond excited. I can die happy after I get to bawl my eyes out while rocking to their live music. Right now, my ONLY goal in life might be to see them perform live. I will probably cry happy tears as they play all of my favorite songs that have become as meaningful to me as my set of the scriptures.

Other big news: I got to see my beloved first born in the wilderness this week, my one and only: Sister FINA AINA. It was so good to see her, and it didn't even feel like we'd been separated for a year or more. That I think always shows me who my best friends are--so much time can pass between getting to spend quality time together (because of life, you know) but when you are reunited, it's like no time passed at all. You can pick up right where you left off. We're going to Texas next week with Blake (I went with him last year) and I am getting so giddy just thinking about it. I can't wait. So, I'm changing the subject now.

A new job idea came up today. I remembered seeing the Health Counselors at EFY and wanting to do that (I totally just want the shirt)—so I jumped on it and applied immediately. I actually got an email back within twenty minutes (maybe less) of submitting my resume requesting that I set up an interview. I actually think I would really like to do this, and I’d make pretty good money. More money than I made with the pool and lessons combined last summer (because I got kind of jipped on both last year). After the initial excitement wears off, I get anxious thinking about having to change my normal routine and having to say no—I hate disappointing people. I want to be able to do BOTH and not have to choose. But I’m hoping I can because I’m hoping that the health counselor won’t be like the counselor that’s with the kids 24/7—that I’ll have shifts and such, so I could work my schedules in a way that I could do both. Plus, I want a tan! I love how tan I get in the summer. Another little thing that I live for every year.

Life lessons from Glee: “Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you do matter, [insert your name here].”

Mumford & Sons: "Remember spring swaps snow for leaves. You'll be happy and wholesome again,when the city clears and the sun ascends."

the spirit of elijah

2011-03-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

I have been on quite the Mumford & Sons kick as of lately. Today, I dedicated a portion of my time to finding everything I had never before heard of Mumford & Sons'. With the research skills I learned in college thanks to my countless research papers that I had to write, I made a very happy discovery of this aforementioned Mr. Mumford. I am most likely (in my dreams) related to Mr. Marcus Mumford of Mumford & Sons. His full name is actually Marcus Oliver Johnston Mumford. He has my Grandpa's name right there in his middle name. A girl can dream, right?

Coincidence? I think not. And he's probably distant enough that I could still marry him. Hallelujah.

This just might spark the spirit of Elijah in me to do some digging in my family history.